Doug’s Divine Drollery

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.
A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.
‘Nurse’, he mumbles, from behind the mask. ‘Are my testicles black?’
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, ‘I don’t know, Sir, I’m only here to wash your upper body [...]

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, “Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?”
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, [...]

A couple of old guys were golfing one day, when one of the men said that he was going to go to Dr. Basil for a new set of dentures in the morning.
His elderly friend remarked that he, too, had gone to the very same dentist two years before.
“Is that so?” the first old gentleman [...]

We’ve all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below…
GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the [...]

This story was told by a nurse… and she swears this really happened on her ward. A man suspected of SARs is lying in the hospital bed with a mask over his mouth.
A young auxiliary nurse appears to sponge his face and hands.
“Nurse,” he mumbles from behind the mask, “Are my testicles black?”
Embarrassed the young [...]

A man walked into a dentist’s office one day and asked the dentist how much it would cost to extract wisdom teeth.
“Eighty dollars,” the dentist said.
“Why that’s a ridiculous amount,” the man replied. “Isn’t there a cheaper way?”
“Well,” the dentist said, “if you don’t use an anesthetic, I can knock it down to about sixty [...]

A Professor was giving a lecture on “Involuntary Muscular Contractions” to his first year medical students.
Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, “Do you know what your ass hole is doing while you’re [...]

A guy is walking through a circus fairground one day, when he notices a stunning woman sprawled on the ground unconscious. Kneeling next to the beauty, he lightly slaps her face. No response. Then he rubs her wrists. Nothing. He even tries mouth to mouth. The gorgeous woman does not respond. Finally, the guy takes [...]

He ended up finishing all eighteen. He finished his round shooting a personal best 61 shattering the club record by five strokes and beating his previous best game by more than 10. He was jubilant, then he remembered his wife.
Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the [...]

Many women are afraid of their first mammogram, and even if they have had them before, there is fear. But there is no need to worry. By taking a few minutes each day for a week preceding the exam and doing the following practice exercises, you will be totally prepared for the [...]

Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by terrible headaches.
When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer,he sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem. “The good news is I can [...]

A woman gives birth to a baby, and afterwards, the doctor comes in, and he says, “I have to tell you something about your baby.”
The woman sits up in bed and says, “What’s wrong with my baby, Doctor? What’s wrong???”
The doctor says, “Well, now, nothing’s wrong, exactly, but your baby is a little bit different. [...]

A Japanese physician says, “Medicine in my country is so advanced we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another and have him looking for work in six weeks.”
A German physician says, “That is nothing, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another and have him [...]

It is well documented that for every minute that you exercise, you add one minute to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she’s 97 years old [...]

There was a midget down in Texas whose testicles hurt and ached almost all the time. The midget went to the doctor and told him about his problem. The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look. The midget dropped his pants.
The doctor stood him up onto the examining table [...]

A physician claims these are actual comments from his patients made while he was performing colonoscopies:

“Take it easy, Doc, you’re boldly going where no man has gone before.”
“Find Amelia Earhart yet?”
“Can you hear me NOW?”
“Oh boy, that was sphincterrific!”
“Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?”
“You know, in Arkansas, we’re now [...]

A guy goes into a public washroom and has to use the only available urinal, between two elderly men. He glances to his left and sees the guy pissing, but there are two streams.
“What the hell is that?” he asks.
“War wound. I took a bullet in the penis in North Africa.They were able to save [...]

A lady from California purchased a piece of timber land in Oregon. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted to get a good view of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top, she encountered a spotted owl that [...]

There’s nothing worse than a snotty doctor’s receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong in a room full of other patients. I know you all have experienced this, and here’s the way one guy handled it.
An 86 year old man walked into a crowded doctor’s office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist [...]

Two doctors opened an office in a small town and put up a sign reading : “Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones — Psychiatry and Proctology.” The town council was not too happy with that sign, so the doctors changed it to: “Hysterias and Posteriors.” This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy [...]

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients on the operating table.
The first surgeon says, “I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.”
The second responds, “Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color-coded.”
The third surgeon says, “No, I really think [...]

In “Pissing in the Snow: Ozark Mountain Folktales“, Vance Randolph tells of a wizened old country doctor who could treat anything. Well it seems one time, one of the mountain folk came into his office with three complaints. “Doc,” he said, “I can’t taste nothin’, I can’t tell the truth, and I can’t remember nothin’ [...]

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.
“I should be in charge, “said the brain, “because I run all the body’ssystems, so without me nothing would happen”.
I should be in charge” said the blood, “because I circulate oxygen all over, so without me [...]

There’s a woman in a hospital in a coma. Her nurse notices after a few days that every time she sponge bathes the woman around the crotch, her vital signs, according to the nearby monitor, increase significantly. The nurse gets the bright idea that oral sex might just provide the stimulus to bring the woman [...]

A young female came to the ER with lower abdominal pain. During the exam and questioning the
female denied being sexually active. The doctor gave her a pregnancy test anyway and it came
back positive. The doctor went back to the young female’s room.
Doctor: “The results of your pregnancy test came back positive. Are you sure [...]