Doug’s Divine Drollery

How many women going through MENOPAUSE does it take to change a light bulb?
Woman’s Answer:
One!
ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They don’t even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT!! They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before [...]

Tools and Their Use

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws [...]

We make great commercials here in Canada NSFW
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Oh ya and Terra does make great boots
Technorati Tags: great commercials, Canada, Terra, boots

Men are like…..Laxatives ….. They irritate the crap out of you.
Men are like…..Bananas . The older they get, the less firm they are.
Men are like…..Weather . Nothing can be done to change them.
Men are like…..Blenders You need One, but you’re not quite sure why.
Men are like…..Chocolate Bars ….. Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right [...]

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, He paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in [...]

This is an actual letter sent to American company Proctor and Gamble regarding their feminine products. She really gets rolling after the first paragraph…
Dear Mr. Thatcher,
I have been a loyal user of your “Always” maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the Leak Guard Core(tm) or Dri-Weave(tm) [...]

I’m sure many of you have heard the term, “independent front end suspension,” but don’t know exactly what it means.
When one front wheel of a vehicle hits a bump or pothole, it will move up or down to compensate while the other wheel remains steady. Both wheels are independent of each other, hence that expression.
Watch [...]

It was my first time ever
And I’ll never forget
I’d do it again
Without a single regret.
The sky was dark
The moon was high
We were all alone
Just she and I.
Her hair was soft
Her eyes were blue
I knew just what
She wanted to do.
Her skin so soft
Her legs so fine
I ran my fingers
Down her spine.
I didn’t know how
But I tried [...]

It doesn’t hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started.
During a visit to the mental asylum, a man asked the Director what standard they used to determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
“Well,” said the Director, “we fill up a bathtub, then [...]

Money

It can buy a house, but not a home.
It can buy a bed, but not sleep
It can buy a clock, but not time.
It can buy you a book, but not knowledge.
It can buy you a position, but not respect.
It can buy you medicine, but not health.
It can buy you blood, but not life.
It can buy [...]

A dad walks into a market followed by his ten-year-old son. The kid is spinning a 25 cent piece in the air and catching it between his teeth. As they walk through the market someone bumps into the boy at just the wrong moment and the coin goes straight into his mouth and lodges in [...]

A blind man went to the airport to fly in a small plane and the pilot asked him, “If you’re blind, why do you want to fly?”
And the blind man said, he just wanted to have the experience. So off through the skies they went!
The pilot had a heart attack and passed out and the [...]

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A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:
Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.
Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.”
“After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please [...]

via Dusting My Brain
She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.
The revelation that his marriage of 20 years had disintegrated because of his wife’s infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.
Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers [...]

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was well known for his wisdom.
One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who said excitedly: “Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?”
“Wait a moment,” Socrates replied. “Before telling me anything I’d like you to pass a little test. It’s [...]

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a chap carrying a golf bag called out to them.
“Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn’t turn up.”
“Sure,” they said, “You’re welcome.”
So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of [...]

If homosexuality is realy an illness then call in sick to work “Hello. Can’t work today, still queer.” ~ Robin Tyler
I’d rather be black than gay because when you’re black you don’t have to tell your mother. ~ Charles Pierce
‘You could move.’ ~ Abigail Van Buren, “Dear Abby,” In response to [...]

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down,but lacks the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly, she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man.
He reflexively reaches out, grabs [...]

I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, “How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?” - Melinda Lowe, 39, Seguin TX
An insurance man visited me at home to talk about our mortgage insurance. He was throwing a lot of facts and [...]

This is the fairy tale that you should have been reading as little girls!
Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat, contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.
The Frog said: Elegant Lady, [...]

I went to the store the other day, and I was in there for only about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a damn motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket.
So I went up to him and said, “Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?” He ignored me and continued writing [...]

Dear Tide:
I’m writing to say what an excellent product you have. I’ve used it since the beginning of married life, when my Mom told me it was the best. In fact, about a month ago, while at my mother-in-law’s house, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. She started to berate me [...]

Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital.
One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Mary suddenly jumped into the deep end. She sunk to the bottom and stayed there. Jim promptly jumped in to save her. He swam to the bottom and pulled Mary out. When the medical director [...]

These questions about Australia were posted on an Australian Tourism Website - a Melbourne University Tourism Studies Major working in the summer holidays answered….
In recent issues, we’ve presented some of the goofy questions that US and Canadian National Park staffers have to deal with. Tourists aren’t a lot brighter when they’re down under, either, [...]