Doug’s Divine Drollery

Okay, okay! I take it back. Unfuck you!!!
You say I’m an asshole….. like it’s a bad thing?!
How many times do I have to flush before you go away
Will this day was a total waste of getting up.
Well aren’t we a bloody ray of sunshine?
Don’t bother me, I’m living happily ever after.
Do I look [...]

The most functional word in the English language is Shit.
That’s right, shit! Consider this:
You can be shit faced, shit out of luck, or have shit for brains. With a little effort, you can get your shit together, find a place for your shit or, decide to shit or get off the pot.
You can smoke shit, [...]

Two strangers are sitting in an adjacent seats in airplane. One guy says to the other, “Let’s talk. I hear that the flight will go faster if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.”
The other guy, who had just opened a good book, closes it slowly, takes off his glasses and asks, “What [...]

When I was a kid adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious lectures about how hard things were when they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning uphill both ways through year ’round blizards carrying their younger siblings on their backs to their one-room schoolhouse where they [...]

A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, “How long before I can get a haircut?”
The barber looks around the shop and says, “About 2 hours.”
The guy leaves.
A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, ” How long before I can get a haircut?”
The barber [...]

There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, “Wow, these seats are big!”
The person next to him answered, “Everything is big in Texas.”
When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he [...]

Nick the Dragon Slayer was an official in King Arthur’s court. He had long-standing obsession to nuzzle the beautiful Queen’s voluptuous breasts, but he knew the penalty for this would be death. One day he revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, who was the King’s chief doctor. Horatio the Physician exclaimed [...]

What with all the sadness and trauma in the world at the moment, it’s worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week. Larry La Prise, the man who wrote “The Hokey Pokey”, died peacefully in his sleep at the age of 93.
The most traumatic part for his [...]

A couple goes on vacation to fishing resort in Northern Minnesota. The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to read. One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a short nap. Although the wife isn’t familiar with the lake, she decided to take [...]

Your bedroom isn’t cluttered, it’s just “passage restrictive.”
Kids don’t get grounded anymore. They merely hit “social speed bumps.”
You’re not late, you just have a “rescheduled arrival time.”
You’re not having a bad hair day, you’re suffering from “rebellious follicle syndrome.”
No one’s tall anymore. They’re “vertically enhanced.”
You’re not shy. You’re “conversationally selective.”
You don’t talk a lot. You’re [...]

Please don’t feel bad, lady. It wasn’t you entering the men’s washroom that caused that guy to pee on the guy next to him. Hell, we do that all the time. It’s rare for us guys to ever hit what were aiming for. Sometimes I go into the washroom, start to pee, and then just [...]

A man was going up to bed, when his wife told him he’d left the light on in the garden shed — she could see it from the bedroom window. But he said that he hadn’t been in the shed that day. He looked himself, and there were people in the shed, stealing things.
He rang [...]

Then there’s the story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running “a bit peaked”.

ATC told the fighter jock that he was number two behind a B-52 that had declared an emergency with one engine shut down.

“Ah”, the pilot remarked, ” the dreaded seven-engine approach”.

A student became [...]

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party. The Indian Chief proclaims,
“So, you are the great Lone Ranger? In honor of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?”
“I’d like to speak [...]

A young child says to his mother, “Mom, when I grow up I think I’d like to be a musician.”
She replies, “Well honey, you know you can’t do both.”
Q: What do you call a beautiful woman on a trombonist’s arm?
A: A tattoo.
Q: What do you call a drummer in a three-piece suit?
A: “The Defendant”
Q: What [...]

PROBLEM: Three people enter a hotel late at night after a concert. There is only one room left so they must share the room and the cost. The clerk charges them $10 each (the room costs $30). Later, the clerk realizes that he over charged them. He gives the bellboy $5 and instructs him to [...]

Here lies my wife
Here let her lie
Now she has peace
And so do I!

Here lies JOHN D. CUDD, DMD (Dentist)
Filling his last cavity!

Grave marker in Covington, Virginia

I made a lot of deals in my lifetime …
But I sure went in the hole on this one!

On a grave at Hollywood Cemetery in Richmond, Virginia

MARGARET DANIELS
She always said [...]

This cowboy rides into an old west town many years ago. He spots the local watering hole and rides his horse over there. He ties the horse up in front of the saloon and then takes a look around.
Then he proceeds to the back of the horse and lifts up his tail and looks around [...]

CINDERELLA
Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won’t let her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promises
to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions.

“First, you must wear a diaphragm.”

Cinderella agrees. “What’s the second condition?” “You [...]

The bandage was wound around the wound.
The farm was used to produce produce.
The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
We must polish the Polish furniture.
He could lead if he would get the lead out.
The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
Since there is no time like the present, he [...]

When the end of the world arrives, how will the media report it?

USA Today
WE’RE DEAD

The Wall Street Journal
DOW JONES PLUMMETS AS WORLD ENDS

National Enquirer:
O.J. AND NICOLE, TOGETHER AGAIN

Playboy:
GIRLS OF THE APOCALYPSE

Microsoft Systems Journal:
APPLE LOSES MARKET SHARE

Victoria’s Secret Catalog
OUR FINAL SALE

Sports Illustrated
GAME OVER

Wired:
THE LAST NEW THING

Rolling Stone
THE GRATEFUL DEAD REUNION TOUR

Readers Digest: [...]

The following letters are taken from an actual incident between a
London hotel and one of it’s guests. The Hotel ended up submitting
the letters to the London Sunday Times!

Dear Maid,
Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Dial. Please [...]

BENTONVILLE, ARK (AP) -

This guy says to his buddy, “You’ll never believe what happened last night.”
His buddy says, “Well then, tell me what happened.”
The guy says, “Last night the doorbell rang, and when I opened the door, there was my ex-mother-in-law on the front porch.”
She said, “Can I stay here for a few days?”
I [...]

A guy is walking through a circus fairground one day, when he notices a stunning woman sprawled on the ground unconscious. Kneeling next to the beauty, he lightly slaps her face. No response. Then he rubs her wrists. Nothing. He even tries mouth to mouth. The gorgeous woman does not respond. Finally, the guy takes [...]