No one wants their last words to be "Oh my God! The old gypsy woman was right..."
A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, “Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?”
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, “NO! I won’t sleep with you tonight!” Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, “I’m sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I’m a graduate student in psychology, and I’m studying how people respond to embarrassing situations.”
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, “What do you mean $200?!”
Technorati Tags: shy guy, bar, graduate student, psychology, funny, humour, humor, jokes, comedy
A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years before.
Because of their hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minneapolis and flew to Florida on Friday, and his wife was flying down the following day.
The husband checked into the hotel, and unlike years ago, there was a computer in his room, and he decided to send an email to his wife.
However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without noticing his error, sent the email to the wrong address.
Meanwhile…somewhere in Houston … a widow had just returned home from her husband’s funeral. He was a Minister who was called home to glory after suffering a heart attack.
The widow decided to check her email, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and then fainted.
The widow’s son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and then glanced up and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Date: Friday, December 1, 2006
Subject: I have Arrived!
Dearest Love:
I know you are surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now, and you are allowed to send email to your loved ones. I have just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow, and look forward to seeing you then. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
PS….. Sure is freaking hot down here!
Your loving Husband
Technorati Tags: humour, humor, jokes, funny, comedy, Not PC
Brian is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers out of Louisiana and performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an e-mail he sent to his sister. She sent it to Laughline and won the contest(he wasn’t thrilled with her for that one). Anyway, anytime you think you have had a bad day at the office, remember this guy.
Hi, Sue,
Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you’ve been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it’s not so bad after all. Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job.
This time of year the water is quite cool, even with a wetsuit. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of crap sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temp. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose.
Now this sounds like a damn good plan, and I’ve used it several times with no complaints. What I do,when I get to the bottom and start working, is I take the hose and stuff it down the back of my neck. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It’s like working in a Jacuzzi.
Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my ass started to itch. So,of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my ass started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. This is even worse than the poison ivy you once had under a cast.
Now I had that hose down my back. I don’t have any hair on my back, so the jellyfish couldn’t get stuck to my back. My ass crack was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into my ass. I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with 5 other divers, were laughing hysterically. Needless to say, I aborted the dive. It totaled 35 minutes before I could come to the surface for my chamber dry decompression.
I got to the surface wearing nothing but my brass helmet. My suit and gear were tied to the bell. When I got on board the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to shove it “up my ass” when I get in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn’t shit for two days because my asshole was swollen shut.
Anyway, the next time you have a bad day at the office, think of me. Think about how much worse your day would be if you were to shove a jellyfish up your ass. I hope you have no bad days at the office. But if you do, I hope this will make it more tolerable.
There’s a guy who lives in Ohio. One morning, he hears a voice in his head.
The voice says, “Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas.”
He ignores the voice.
Later in the day, he hears the voice again. “Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas.”
Again, he ignores the voice.
Soon he hears the voice every minute of the day. “Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas.”
He can’t take it anymore. He believes the voice. He quits his job, sells his house, takes all his money, and flies to Las Vegas.As soon as he steps off the plane, the voice says, “Go to Caesar’s Palace.” He goes to Caesar’s Palace. The voice says, “Make your way to the roulette table.” He goes to the roulette table.The voice says, “Put all your money on RED 23.” He puts all his money on RED 23.The dealer spins the wheel. It comes up BLACK 17.
The voice says “Dammit!”
Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court. In court the trucking companies fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.
“Didn’t you say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine’ ? ” said the lawyer.
Farmer Joe responded, “Well, I’ll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite mule Bessie into the…….
“I didn’t ask for any details,” the lawyer interrupted, “just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine’?”
Farmer Joe said, “Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road…….”
The lawyer interrupted again and said, “Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now, several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.”
By this time the Judge was fairly interested in farmer Joe’s answer and said to the lawyer, “I’d like to hear what he has to say about his favourite mule Bessie.”
Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, “Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn’t want to move. However, I could hear ol’ Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and put her out of her misery. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, “Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her - how are you feeling?”
The Ferrari….
A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available: a brand new Ferrari 550. It is also one of the most expensive cars in the world, and it costs him $500,000.
He takes it out for a spin and stops for a red light. An old man on a Moped (about 75 years old) pulls up next to him.
The old man looks over at the sleek, shiny car and asks, “What kind of car ya’ got there, sonny?”
The young man replies, “A Ferrari 550. It cost half a million dollars!”
“That’s a lot of money,” says the old man. “Why does it cost so much?”
“Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!” states the young dude proudly.
The moped driver asks, “Mind if I take a look inside?”
“No problem,” replies the owner.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, “That’s a pretty nice car, all right…but I’ll stick with my Moped!”
Just then the light changes so the guy decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 160 mph.
Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, ……………w-h-h-h-o-o-o-o-s-s-s-h-h-h!
Something whips by him, going much faster ! !
“What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?!” the young man asks himself. He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph.
Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it’s the old man on the Moped.
Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari he gives it some more gas and passes the Moped at 275 mph.
……………W-h-o-o-o-o-o-o-s-h !
He’s feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him again. Astounded by the speed of this old guy he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph.
Not ten seconds later he sees the Moped bearing down on him again. The Ferrari is flat out and there’s nothing he can do.
Suddenly the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear.
The young man jumps out, and unbelievably, the old man is still alive! He runs up to the mangled old man and says, “Oh my God! Is there anything I can do for you?
The old man whispers with his dying breath, “Unhook…my suspenders from your side-view mirror.”
The following was taken from a Florida newspaper:
A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife was in the house in the kitchen. The man was racing the engine on the motorcycle and somehow, the motorcycle slipped into gear. The man, still holding the handlebars, was dragged through a glass patio door and, along with the motorcycle, dumped onto the floor inside the house The wife, hearing the crash, ran into the dining room and found her husband laying on the floor, cut and bleeding, the motorcycle laying next to him and the patio door shattered. The wife ran to the phone and summoned an ambulance.
Because they lived on a fairly large hill, the wife went down the several flights of long steps to the street to direct the paramedics to her husband. After the ambulance arrived and transported the husband to the hospital, the wife uprights the motorcycle and pushes it outside. Seeing that gas had spilled on the floor, the wife obtained some paper towels, blotted up the gasoline, and threw the towels in the toilet.
The husband was treated at the hospital and was released to come home. After arriving home, he looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He became despondent, went into the bathroom, sat on the toilet and smoked a cigarette. After finishing the cigarette, he flipped it between his legs into the toilet bowl while still seated. The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming. She ran into the bathroom and found her husband lying on the floor. His trousers had been blown away and he was suffering burns on the buttocks, the back of his legs and his groin.
The wife again ran to the phone and called for an ambulance. The same ambulance crew was dispatched and the wife met them at the street. The paramedics loaded the husband on the stretcher and began carrying him to the street. While they were going down the stairs to the street accompanied by the wife, one of the paramedics asked the wife how the husband had burned himself. She told them and the paramedics started laughing so hard, one of them tipped the stretcher and dumped the husband out. He fell down the remaining steps and broke his arm. Now THAT ’s a bad day!
When I was a kid adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious lectures about how hard things were when they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning uphill both ways through year ’round blizards carrying their younger siblings on their backs to their one-room schoolhouse where they maintained a straight-A average despite their full-time after-school job at the local textile mill where they worked for 35 cents an hour just to h elp keep their family from starving to death!
And I remember promising myself that w hen I grew up there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it and how easy they’ve got it! But….
Now that I’ve reached the ripe old age of twenty-nine, I can’t help but look around and notice the youth of today.
You’ve got it so fuckin’easy!
I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a goddamned Utopia! And I hate to say it but you kids today you don’t know how good you’ve got it!
I mean, when I was a kid we didn’t have The Internet–we wanted to know something, we had to go to the goddamned library and look it up ourselves!
A nd there was no email! We had to actually write somebody a letter–with a pen!–and then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the fuckin’ mailbox and it would take like a week to get there!
And there were no MP3s or Napsters! You wanted to steal music, you had to go to the goddamned record store and shoplift it yourself! Or we had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ’d usually talk over the begining and fuck it all up!
You want to hear about hardship?
You couldn’t just download porn! You had to bribe some homeless dude to buy you a copy of “Hustler” at the 7-11! It was either that or jackoff to the lingere section of the JC Penney catalog! Those were your options!
And we didn’t have any fancy Sony Playstation videogames with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like “Space Invaders” and “Asteroids” and the graphics sucked ass! Your guy was a little square! You had to use your imagination! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen forever! And you could never win, the game just kept getting harder and faster until you died!
Just like LIFE!
When you went to the movie theater there no such thing as stadium seating! All the seats were the same height! A tall guy sat in front of you, you were screwed!
And sure, we had cable television, but back then that was only like 20 channels and there was no onscreen menu! You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on!
And there was no Cartoon Network! You could only get cartoons on Saturday morning… …D’ya hear what the fuck I’m saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK, you spoiled little bastards!
That’s exactly what I’m talking about! You kids today have got it too easy! You’re spoiled, I swear to God! You guys wouldn’t last five minutes back in 1984!
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.
“Officer,” the man began, “I can explain.”
“No explanation needed!” snapped the officer. “I’m going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back.”
“But, officer, I have to tell you something.” The man tried again.
“Just keep quiet! You’re going to jail and I’m not interested in what you have to say!” the officer barked.
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, “Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter’s wedding. He’ll be in a good mood when he gets back.”
“Don’t count on it,” answered the fellow in the cell. “I’m the groom.”
by Lame Mango Washington
For example, Blind Lime Jefferson, or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc. (Well, maybe not “Kiwi.”). I don’t care how tragic your life: you own a computer, you cannot sing the blues. You best destroy it. Fire, a spilled bottle of Mad Dog, or get out a shotgun. Maybe your big woman just done sat on it. I don’t care.
An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy. He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, “Pull, Nellie, pull!” Buddy didn’t move. Then the farmer hollered, “Pull, Buster, pull!” Buddy didn’t respond. Once more the farmer commanded, “Pull, Coco, pull!” Nothing. Then the farmer nonchalantly said, “Pull, Buddy, pull!” And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.
The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.
“Well… Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn’t even try!”
A young man graduated from University of Arkansas with a degree in journalism. His first assignment for the newspaper who hired him was to write a human interest story. Being from Arkansas, he went back to the country to do his research. He went to an old farmer’s house way back in the hills, introduced himself to the farmer and proceeded to explain to him why he was there.
The young man asked,”Has anything ever happened around here that made you happy?”
The farmer thought for a minute and said, “Yep! One time one of my neighbor’s sheep got lost. We formed a posse and found it. We all screwed it and took it back home.”
“I can’t print that!” the young man exclaimed. “Can you think of anything else that happened that made you or a lot of other people happy?”
After another moment, the farmer said,
“Yeah, one time my neighbor’s daughter, a good looking girl, got lost. We formed a big posse that time and found her. After we all screwed her, we took her back home.”
Again, the young man said “I can’t print that either. Has anything ever happened around here that made you sad?”
The old farmer dropped his head as if he were ashamed and after a few seconds looked up timidly at the young man and said, “I got lost once.”
I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall say: “Hi, how are you?”
I’m not the type to start a conversation in the restroom but I don’t know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed, “Doin’ just fine!”
And the other person says: “So what are you up to?”
What kind of question is that? At that point, I’m thinking this is too bizarre so I say: “Uhhh, I’m like you, just traveling!” At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question.
“Can I come over?”
Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell them “No……..I’m a little busy right now!!!”
Then I hear the person say nervously…”Listen, I’ll have to call you back. There’s an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions
I don’t know if you guys shop at Costco but this may be useful to know.
A `heads up’ for you and any friends you have who may be regular Costco customers.
Over the last month I have become a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get the family’s groceries has turned out to be quite traumatic.
Don’t be naive enough to think it could not happen to you
Here’s how the scam works:
Two seriously good-looking 18-year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping in the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy t-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say ‘No’ and instead ask you for a ride to another Costco. You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start having sex with each other. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and performs oral sex on you, while the other one steals your wallet.
I had my wallet stolen FEBRUARY 4th, 9th, twice on the 15th and again just yesterday and very likely this upcoming weekend.
Again - please be aware
Last weekend I saw something at Larry’s Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were suppose to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety…. WAY TOO COOL!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing!
I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I’d get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome!Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn’t be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries,. right?!!!
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently(trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I’m looking at this little device measuring about 5″ long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, “no possible way!”
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I’ll do my best…..
I’m sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, “don’t do it master,” reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn’t hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, And HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION @#$%^&*&$#
I’m pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, “do it again, do it again!”
Note: If you ever feel compelled to “mug” yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative.
SON-OF-A-.. that hurt like heck!!! A minute or so later (I can’t be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I’m still looking for my testicles? I’m offering a significantreward for their safe return.
Still in shock,
Tommy
A woman received a phone call from her sitter that her daughter was sick with a high fever. She left work and stopped by the pharmacy for medication. Returning to her car, she found she had locked her keys inside. She didn’t know what to do.
She called her home to talk to the sitter, and was told her daughter was getting worse. The sitter said, “Find a coat hanger and use that to open the door.” The woman found an old rusty coat hanger on the ground, then looked at the hanger and said, “I don’t know how to use this.” She
bowed her head and asked God for help.
An old rusty car pulled up, driven by a dirty, greasy, bearded man with a biker skull rag on his head. The woman thought, “Great God. This is what you sent to help me?”
But she was desperate, and thankful. The man got out of his car and asked if he could help she said, “Yes, my daughter is very sick. I must get home to her. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car? ”
He said, “Sure.” He walked over to the car and in seconds the car door
was opened.
She hugged the man and through her tears she said, “Thank you so much. You are a very nice man.”
He replied, “Lady, I ain’t a nice man. I just got out of prison for car theft.”
The woman hugged him again and cried out loud, “Thank you God for sending me a professional!”
A lady from Eugene, Oregon who was a tree hugger and a anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted to get a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree.
As she neared the top, she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the lady slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch. In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest country doctor. She told him what an environmentalist and anti-hunter she was, and how she came to get all the splinters.
The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her.
She sat and waited for three hours before the doctor reappeared.
The angry lady demanded, “What took you so long?”
He smiled and then told her, “Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area and I’m sorry, but they all turned me down
A little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink for half an hour when this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig. The poor little guy starts crying.
“Come on little man, I was just giving you a hard time,” says the truck driver. I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t stand to see a grown man crying.”
“This is the worst day of my life,” says the little guy between sobs. “I can’t do anything right. I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen, and I have no insurance. I grabbed a cab home, but after the cab left, I discovered my wallet was still in the cab.”
Sadly, the man continued, “Getting home early, I found my wife in bed with the gardener. So I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my life, and then you show up and drink the damn poison!”