Doug's Divine Drollery

I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army Soup Kitchen. All I said was, “will you people hurry up, some of us have a home to go to”. I’ve just been banned from a Muslim clothes shop.I only asked for a bomber jacket.Touchy bastards. I felt sorry for the hypnotist I saw last night. [...]

Things you can only say at Christmas and Thanksgiving Talk about a huge breast! Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist and warm. It’s Cool Whip time! If I don’t undo my pants, I’ll burst. Wow, that’s one awesome spread! I’m in the mood to try some dark meat! Are you ready for seconds [...]

A day without sunshine is like night. On the other hand, you have different fingers. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name. Remember, half the people you know are below average. He who laughs last, thinks slowest. Depression is merely anger [...]

CIGARETTE: A pinch of tobacco, rolled in paper, with fire at one end and a fool at the other! MARRIAGE: It’s an agreement wherein a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her master’s LECTURE: An art of transmitting Information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of students without passing [...]

I called the Swine Flu hotline – all I got was crackling I heard that the first symptom is that you come out in rashers.Another is that you get the trotts. I woke up with pig tails this morning … Should I be worried? The doctor asked me how long I’d had the symptoms of [...]

Q. What doesn’t belong in this list: Meat, Eggs, Wife, Blowjob? A. Blowjob: You can beat your meat, eggs or wife, but you can’t beat a blowjob Q. Why does a penis have a hole in the end? A. So men can be open minded. Q. What’s the speed limit of sex? A. 68 because [...]

Carl Zwanzig “Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together.” Douglas Adams “There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something [...]

Sign over a Gynecologist’s Office: “Dr. Jones, at your cervix.” In a Podiatrist’s office: “Time wounds all heels.” Septic Tank Truck #1: Yesterday’s Meals on Wheels Septic Tank Truck #2: “Caution – This Truck is full of Political Promises” On Plumber’s truck #1: “We repair what your husband fixed.” On Plumber’s truck #2: “Don’t sleep [...]

Law of Mechanical Repair – After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you’ll have to pee. Law of Gravity – Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner. Law of Probability -The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity [...]

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me,for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me alone. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire. It’s always darkest before dawn. So if you’re going [...]

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me the hell alone. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire. It’s always darkest before dawn, so [...]

Keep honking, I’m reloading. Boldly going nowhere. Heart Attacks… God’s revenge for eating his animal friends. How many roads must a man travel down before he admits he is lost? Don’t be sexist — broads hate that. I’m an imbecile and I vote. Money Isn’t Everything… But it sure keeps the kids in touch. WARNING! [...]

Norse: If shit happens, beat the crap out of it. Feminist: Get in touch with your inner shit. Solitary: If shit happens; Duck! Eco-feminist: We’ve got to clean up this shit! Gardnerian: Shit happens in degrees. Alexandrian: Shit happens because Gardner told us so. Dabbler: We have ways of making shit happen. Eclectic: We make [...]

If you remember the Old Hollywood Squares show and its comics, this will bring a tear to your eyes. They are well worth the time it takes to read them. These great questions and answers are from the days when “Hollywood Squares” game show responses were spontaneous and clever, not scripted and (often) dull as [...]

Two cannibals are eating dinner and one says, “I hate my mother-in-law.” The other replies, “Well, just eat your noodles, then.”

Guns don’t kill people. Husbands who come home early kill people. The morning after their honeymoon night, the wife says to her husband, “you know, You’re really a lousy lover!” The husband replies, “How would you know after only 30 seconds?”

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it’s you. –Rita Mae Brown Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that’s how dogs spend [...]

My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn’t! I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it. I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me! Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them. I used to have a handle on [...]

Winter Term Definition Alp: One of a number of ski mountains in Europe. Also a shouted request for assistance made by a European. Avalanche: One of the few actual perils skiers face that needlessly frighten timid individuals away from the sport. See also: Blizzard, First Aid, Fracture, Frostbite, Hypothermia, Lift Collapse. Bindings: Automatic mechanisms that [...]

I am damn unsatisfied to be killed in this way. Fatty, you with your thick face have hurt my instep. Gun wounds again? Same old rules: no eyes, no groin. A normal person wouldn’t steal pituitaries. Damn, I’ll burn you into a BBQ chicken! Take my advice, or I’ll spank you without pants. Who gave [...]

If you don’t have a leg to stand on, you can’t put your foot down. Men love a challenge – women normally provide this. Everyone has the right to be ugly, but some people abuse the privilege. Dignity is the one thing which cannot be preserved in alcohol. Budget: a system for going broke methodically. [...]

Before you criticize someone walk a mile in their shoes. That way if they get angry they’ll be a mile away — and barefoot. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before. My idea of housework is to [...]

Sometimes the best are deliberate Sign on an electrician’s truck: Let us remove your shorts. Maternity Clothes Shop: We are open on labor day. Non-smoking area: If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action. On a Maternity Room Door: “Push, Push, Push” On a Front Door: Everyone [...]

Coffee (n.),a person who is coughed upon Flabbergasted (adj.),appalled over how much weight you have gained. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie. [...]

Arbitrator \ar’-bi-tray-ter\: A cook that leaves Arby’s to work at McDonald’s. Avoidable \uh-voy’-duh-buhl\: What a bullfighter tries to do. Baloney \buh-lo’-nee\: Where some hemlines fall Bernadette \burn’-a-det\: The act of torching a mortgage Burglarize \bur’-gler-ize\: What a crook sees with Control \kon-trol’\: A short, ugly inmate Counterfeiters \kown-ter-fit-ers \: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets [...]