Two cowboys from Texas walk into a roadhouse to wash the trail dust from their throats. They stand at the bar, drinking their beers and quietly talking about cattle prices. Suddenly a woman at a table behind them, who had been eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so it becomes apparent that she is in real distress, and the cowboys turn to look at her.

“Kin ya swaller?” asks one of the cowboys.

No, the woman shakes her head.

“Kin ya breathe?” asks the other.

The woman, beginning to turn a bit blue, shakes her head no again.

The first cowboy walks over to her, lifts up the back of her skirt, yanks down her panties, and slowly runs his tongue from the back of her thigh up to the small of her back. This shocks the woman into a violent spasm, the obstruction flies out of her mouth and she begins to breathe again. The cowboy walks back over to the bar and takes a drink of his beer.

(more…)

A man was driving down the road one day and saw the oncoming car hit a rabbit. The man stopped to see how the bunny was. The driver who hit the rabbit stepped out of the car, sprayed the rabbit with something and all of a sudden, the rabbit jumped up, waved, hopped a little ways down the road, waved again, hopped to the edge of the forest, turned around, waved again, then hopped into the forest not to be seen again.

The man was amazed.”What did you spray him with??!”

(more…)

A man was eating in a fancy restaurant, and there was a gorgeous blond eating at the next table. He had been checking her out all night, but lacked the nerve to go talk to her.

Suddenly she sneezed and her glass eye went flying out of her socket towards the man. With his quick reflexes, he caught it in midair.

“Oh my God, I am sooooo sorry,” the woman said as she popped her eye back in the socket. “Let me buy you dinner to make it up to you.”

They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together and afterwards the woman invited him back to her place for a drink. They went back to her house, and after a bit she brought him into the bedroom and began undressing him. The couple had wild, passionate sex many times during the night. The next morning when he awoke, she had already gotten up and brought him breakfast in bed. The guy was amazed.

“You know, you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?”

(more…)

An old farmer had spent his life collecting tractors: every time one broke down irreparably or became hopelessly out of date, he refused to sell it, instead keeping it in a large barn. He even bought used tractors from other farmers. He worked on them and polished them, treating them like museum exhibits.

Eventually it came time for him to retire, and he decided to sell off his massive collection so that he could live comfortably with his wife in a nice country cottage. So he put advertisements in local and national papers, and waited.

He didn’t have long to wait: a few days later he received a letter from a visiting American businessman, whose company had built some of the tractors mentioned in the advert and who had an interest in old vehicles himself. After a couple more letters the two arranged to meet in the farmer’s local inn/pub on the coming Saturday.

That evening came and the businessman arrived, having managed to find the place chiefly by virtue of its being the only large building for several miles. He soon located the farmer in question, despite the heavy clouds of pipe smoke, and an hour passed in most pleasant conversation, the pair turning out to have much in common.

“Well,” sighed the farmer eventually, “I haven’t had such a good yak for a long time, but I suppose it’s about time we got down to business, eh?”

“Sure,” replied the other, “but maybe we could go somewhere else? Y’see, I’m findin’ it kinda hard to concentrate with this much smoke.”

“Ah, there’s no need for that”, said the farmer, “watch this!” He then proceeded to take an amazingly deep, deep breath, sucking in every last particle of smoke in the room. Then he leaned over to the partially open window behind him and blew all the smoke out into the night.

“Hey, how the heck did you manage that?” gasped the American.

(more…)

Tony Blair opened a new hospital in Edinburgh. After cutting the ribbon he went on a tour of the wards. He entered a ward filled with patients who did not seem to be suffering from any injury or obvious disability. He greeted a bearded man in a nearby bed, who replied:

“Fair fa’ your honest sonsie face, great chieftain o’ the pudden race!”

Blair, somewhat bemused, smiled politely and moved on to another bed and asked the patient how he was getting on. The patient shook his head and replied:

“Some hae meat and canna eat, and some wad eat that want it. But we hae meat and we can eat, and sae the Lord be thankit.”

Blair again nodded politely and turned to the next patient, an older man, wearing a Tam O’Shanter of a particularly bright plaid. When asked by Blair how he was keeping, the old man replied:

“Wee sleekit cow’rin tim’urous beastie. O what panic’s in thy breastie!”

By this time the Prime Minister was totally befuddled and turning to the senior doctor who was accompanying him, whispered:

“What sort of ward is this? Are they psychiatric patients?”

A couple of years ago, the Seattle Symphony was doing Beethoven’s Ninth under the baton of Milton Batter. At this point, you must understand two things:

1. Bass players hate playing Beethoven’s 9th. There’s a long segment in this symphony where the bass violins don’t have a thing to do… not a single note for page after page!
2. There’s a tavern called Dez’s 400 right across the street from the Seattle Opera House, rather favored by local musicians.

It had been decided that during this performance, after the bass players had played their parts in the opening of the Ninth, they were to quietly lay down their instruments and leave the stage rather than sit on their stools looking and feeling dumb for twenty minutes. Well, once they got backstage, someone suggested that they trot across the street and have a few brews.

They had quickly downed the first couple rounds when one said,”Shouldn’t we be getting back? It’d be awfully embarrassing if we were late.”

Another (presumably the one who suggested this excursion in the first place) replied, “Oh, I anticipated we could use a little more time, so I tied a string around the last pages of the conductor’s score. When he gets down to there, Batter’s going to have to slow the tempo way down while he waves the baton with one hand and fumbles with the string with he other.” So they had another round and finally returned to the Opera House, a little tipsy by now. However, as they came back on stage, one look at their conductor’s face told them they were in serious trouble.

And if you thought things couldn’t get worse, both first stand players soon passed out right in their chairs! Batter was furious and on the verge of completely loosing it, as he began making gestures at the bases while trying to finish the piece and flip tied pages. But the absolute *worst* part of it: (brace yourself)

(more…)

A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.

The bartender approaches and says, “We don’t serve beer to bears in bars in Billings.”

The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.

The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, “We don’t serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings.”

The bear, very angry now, says, “If you don’t serve me a beer, I’m going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar.”

The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings.”

The bear goes to the end of the bar, and, as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.

The bartender states, “Sorry, we don’t serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs.”

The bear says, “I’m NOT on drugs.”
(more…)

Three elderly ladies are excited about their first Yankee’s baseball game.

They smuggle a bottle of Jack Daniels into the game. The game is real exciting and they are enjoying themselves drinking the Jack Daniels mixed with soft drinks. Soon they realize that the bottle of Jack Daniels is almost gone and the game has a lot of innings to go.

Using the clues given, what inning is the game in and what is the status of the game?

(more…)

Bach once went horse riding and fell off, but he knew quiters never win, so he got up and tried again. He was Bach in the saddle again.

and

At the celebrity costume party, two men showed up as classical musicians. Arnold Schwarzenegger seeing the other, said in his thick Austrian accent, “You be Motzart… I’ll be Bach!”

A story is told of two German men in the 1870’s who sneaked into the cemetery where Johann Sebastian Bach is buried. You must first understand that there is a rumor that Bach was buried with unfinished scores he was working on when he died, and these men were eager to see if they could be retrieved for their personal gain.

In the dark of night, they began digging at the gravesite and soon reached the coffin. But, as they cleared away the dirt, they began to see a small amount of light emitting from cracks in the coffin! They continued clearing until they could crack open the lid — only to find *Bach himself*, by the light of a small candle, carefully erasing the unfinished scores; note by note, line by line!

They just stood there aghast, frozen at the sight of the almost skeleton-like figure. They began to tremble, making their shovels clatter against loose stones among the dirt. Bach slowly turned his head up to the men, raised a finger before his lips and whispered, “Shhhhhhhhhhh! I’m…. deeeeeeee-commmmmm-pooooosing!”

Tired of constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife, with himself as the beneficiary, and arranging to have her killed.

A “friend of a friend” put him in touch with a nefarious underworld figure who went by the name of “Artie.” Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000. The husband said he was willing to pay that amount but that he wouldn’t have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife’s insurance money.

Artie insisted on being paid something up front. The man opened up his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man’s wife to the local Safeway grocery store. There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the scene. Unwilling to leave any witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

Unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by hidden cameras and observed by the store’s security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could leave the store.

Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the sordid plan, including his financial arrangements with the hapless husband.

And that is why, the next day in the newspaper, the headline declared:
(more…)

8. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. When they lit a fire inthe craft it sank, proving once and for all that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.
7. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, was known as the lesserof two weevils.
6. A three-legged dog walked into a saloon in the Old West. He slid up to the bar and announced “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.”
5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist’s Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
4. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. “But why?”they asked, as they moved off. “Because,” he said, “I can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.”
3. A man entered his local paper’s pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
2. A woman had twins, and gave them up for adoption. One of them went to a family in Egypt and was named Amahl. The other went to a family in Spain; they named him Juan. Years later, Juan sent a picture of himself to his mother. Upon receiving the picture, she told her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amahl. Her husband responded, “But they are twins-if you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amahl.”

And the worst of the bunch:

1. Some friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise the funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the “men of God,” the rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good brothers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. He asked his mother to ask the friars to get out of business. They ignored her, too. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to “persuade” them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he’d be back if they didn’t close shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving (Brace yourself.) …… That Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

1. Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. However, all the Swiss league records were unfortunately destroyed in a fire. Thus we’ll never know for Whom the Tells Bowled.
2. A man rushed into a busy doctor’s office and shouted “Doctor! I think I’m shrinking!!” The doctor calmly responded, “Now, settle down. You’ll just have to be a little patient.”
3. A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day his supply of the birds ran out. So he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.
4. Back in the 1800s the Tates Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products and, since they already made the cases for pocket watches, decided to market compasses for the pioneers traveling west. It turned out that although their watches were of finest quality; their compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California. This, of course, is the origin of the expression, “He who has a Tates is lost!”
5. A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the toilets and urinals, leaving no clues. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, “We have absolutely nothing to go on.”
6. An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, instructing him to bite off, chew and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, “The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on.”
7. A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, “I must have taken Lief off my census.”
8. There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant and the first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This goes to prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.
9. A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal brujo who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the brujo looked him in the eye and said, “Let me tell you, with fronds like these, who needs enemas?”
10. By the way, the guy who wrote these 9 puns entered them and one other in a contest. He figured with 10 entries he couldn’t lose. As they were reading the list of winners he was really hoping one of his puns would win, but unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

“Miss Whack, I’d like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday.”

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name.

The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it’s okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, “Sure. I have this,” and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she’ll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, “There’s a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral.” She holds up the tiny pink elephant. “I mean, what in the world is this?”

(you’re gonna love this)

(its a real treat)

(a masterpiece)

(wait for it)

The bank manager looks back at her and says…

• Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.
• A backward poet writes inverse.
• A man’s home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
• Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
• Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
• Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
• A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
• A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
• Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
• Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
• Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
• Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
• When two egotists meet, it’s an I for an I.
• A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two tired.
• What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway.)
• Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
• In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.
• She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.
• A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
• If you don’t pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
• With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
• When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
• The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
• You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
• Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
• He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
• Every calendar’s days are numbered.
• A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine.
• A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
• He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
• A plateau is a high form of flattery.
• A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.
• Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
• Once you’ve seen one shopping center, you’ve seen a mall.
• Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
• Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
• Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Well, Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other, and finally they got married, and had a little sweet potato, which they called ‘Yam.’ Of course, they wanted the best for yam

When it was time, they told her about the facts of life. They warned her about going out and getting half-baked, so she wouldn’t get accidentally mashed, and get a bad name for herself like ‘Hot Potato,’ and end up with a bunch of Tater Tots. Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her! But on the other hand she wouldn’t stay home and become a Couch Potato either. She would get plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring cousins.

When she went off to Europe, Mr. and Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for the hard-boiled guys from Ireland. And the greasy guys from France called the French Fries. And when she went out west, to watch out for the Indians so she wouldn’t get scalloped.

Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn’t associate with those high class Yukon Golds, or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks that say, ‘Frito Lay.’

Mr. and Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that’s PotatoUniversity) so that when she graduated she’d really be in the Chips. But in spite of all they did for her, one-day Yam came home and announced she was going to marry Tom Brokaw.
Tom Brokaw! Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset. They told Yam she couldn’t possibly marry Tom Brokaw because he’s just…………………..
Are you ready for this?…………………………..

Are you sure?……………………….

OK! Here it is!

………………………….

A bloke and his girlfriend were making love in the back of his van when all of a sudden she shouted at him to whip her.

“Find something to whip me with now! If you do it will be the best sex you have ever had” she screamed.

So he opened the window, snapped off the aerial and started whipping her with it.

Three weeks later she went to the doctor and asked him to take a look at some infected cuts that she had on her back.

The doctor said: “These are really badly infected. I bet you got them making wild passionate love didn’t you?”

“Yes” she replied, ”But how did you know that?” she asked.

“Well, this is the worst case of van aerial disease I have ever seen’.’