No one wants their last words to be "Oh my God! The old gypsy woman was right..."
A couple was watching a Discovery Channel special about a West African ‘bush tribe’ whose men all had penises 24 inches long.
When the black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his penis and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches.
Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked at him and said, ‘How about we try the African string-and- weight procedure?
‘The husband agreed and they tied a string and a weight to his penis.
A few days later, the wife asked the husband,’How is our little ‘tribal experiment’ coming along?’
‘Well, it looks like we’re about half way there,’ he replied.
‘Wow, you mean it’s grown to 12 inches?’
‘No, it’s turned black.’
Technorati Tags: joke.humour, humor, penis, african, comedy
A Russian woman married a Canadian gentleman and they lived happily ever after in Toronto . However, the poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.
One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn’t know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message, and gave her the chicken legs.
Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn’t know how to say it, and so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again, and gave her some chicken breasts.
On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store…
(more…)
Technorati Tags: Men are like, humour, humor, jokes, comedy, funny, one liners
Three men were drinking at a bar — a doctor, an attorney and a biker.
As the doctor was drinking his white wine he said, “For her birthday, I’m going to buy my wife a fur coat and a diamond ring. This way, if she doesn’t like the fur coat she will still love me because she got a diamond ring.”
As the attorney was drinking his martini he said, “For my wife’s birthday, I’m going to buy her a designer dress and a gold bracelet. This way, if she doesn’t like the dress she will still love me because she got the gold bracelet.”
As the biker was drinking his shots of whiskey he said, “I’m going to buy my wife a T-shirt and a vibrator. This way, if she doesn’t like the T-shirt she can go fuck herself!”
Technorati Tags: humour, humor, jokes, comedy, funny, biker, attorney, doctor
It had taken him several months, but the executive vice president had finally persuaded his new secretary to bend over the back of his leather couch and allow him to have sex with her that way.
“And just where have you been until this hour?” demanded his wife, when the wayward husband finally arrived home.
“Down at the office,” he replied, “working like a dog.”
Technorati Tags: sex, humour, humor, comedy, fun, jokes, working like a dog
A man’s in bed with his Thai girlfriend.
After having great sex, she spends the next hour just stroking his penis, something she had lovingly done on many occassions.
Rather enjoying it, he turns and asks her, ‘Why do you love doing that?’
She replies: ‘Because sometimes I really miss mine’.
Technorati Tags: humour, humor, jokes, funny, comedy, Thai, sex
For all my online and offline friends. After serious & cautious consideration…..your contract of friendship has been renewed for the New Year 2008!
It was a very hard decision to make. So try not to screw it up!!!
My Wish for You in 2008
May peace break into your house and may thieves come to steal your debts. May the pockets of your jeans become a magnet for $100 bills. May love stick to your face like Vaseline and may laughter assault your lips! May your clothes smell of success like smoking tires and may happiness slap you across the face and your tears be that of joy. May the problems you had forget your home address! In simple words
May 2008 be the best year of your life!
Technorati Tags: friendship, New Year, 2008, best year
Four old-timers were playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on
His buddies all chimed in and said, ‘Let’s do it!
We’ll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early Christmas morning.’
Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course.
The first guy says, ‘Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can’t take her eyes off it.’
Number 2 guy says, ‘I spent a ton, too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures.’
Number 3 guy says ‘Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual.’
They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they have lost their minds.
‘I can’t believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I slapped my wife on the butt and said, ‘Well babe, Merry Christmas! It’s a great morning for either sex or golf‘ and she said….. ‘Take a sweater.’
Technorati Tags: golf, Merry Christmas, sex or golf, humour, humor, funny, jokes, comedy
It has been determined, the most used sexual position for married couples is a doggie position.
The husband sits up and begs. The wife rolls over and plays dead.
Technorati Tags: jokes, comedy, humour, humor, funny, sex, sexual positions
A young Chinese couple gets married. She’s a virgin. Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn’t know that.
On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness. He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring.
‘My darring,’ he whispers, ‘I know dis your firss time and you berry frighten. I pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you want. You juss ask… so…
whatchu want?’ he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.
A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request. She eventually shyly whispers back, ‘I want to try someting I have heard about from other girls… Numbaa 69.’ More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled
tone he asks her…
‘You want….. Garlic Chicken with steam vegable?
Technorati Tags: humour, humor, jokes, comedy, funny, ethnic humor, Chinese, virgin, wedding night
Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the country
club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25 year-old blonde
who knocks everyone’s socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm.
She hangs onto Bob’s arm and listens intently to his every word.
His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they
corner him and ask, “Bob, how did you get the trophy girlfriend?”
Bob replies, “Girlfriend? She’s my wife!”
They’re amazed, but continue to ask. “So, how did you persuade her
to marry you?”
“I lied about my age”, Bob replies.
“What, did you tell her you were only 50?”
Bob smiles and says, “No, I told her I was 90.”
Technorati Tags: humour, humor, jokes, comedy, funny, elderly,
Dear Tide…
I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I’ve used it all of my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best. Now that I am in my fifties I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse! I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative, to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.
What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having a great product.
Well, gotta go, have to write to the Hefty bag people
Technorati Tags: humour, humor, jokes, comedy, funny, elderly, couples
An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighbourhood after they retired.
Holding hands they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they’d shared, where Andy had carved “I love you, Sally.”
On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up, but not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money — fifty-thousand dollars.
Andy said, “We’ve got to give it back.”
Sally said, “Finders keepers.” She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.
The next day, two FBI men were canvassing the neighbourhood looking for the money, and knocked on the door.
“Pardon me, but did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?”
Sally said, “No.”
Andy said, “She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic.”
Sally said, “Don’t believe him, he’s getting senile.”
The agents turn to Andy and began to question him. One says: “Tell us the story from the beginning.”
Andy said, “Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday . . ”
The first FBI guy turns to his partner and says, “We’re outta here.”
Technorati Tags: humour, humor, jokes, comedy, funny, elderly,
Desperate to know her future, a woman decided to go visit a psychic.
In a dark and gloomy room, gazing at the tarot cards laid out before her, the psychic delivered the bad news.
“There is no easy way to say this so I will be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death sometime this year.”
Visibly shaken, the woman stared at the psychic’s lined face, then at the single flickering candle and then looked down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself and decided to ask the question she desperately needed to know.
She met the psychic’s gaze, steadied her voice, and asked, “Will I get away with it?”
Technorati Tags: humour, humor, jokes, comedy, funny
Women’s Ass size study
There is a new study just released by the American Psychiatric Association about women and how they feel about their asses. The results are pretty interesting:
Technorati Tags: humour, humor, jokes, funny, comedy, ass
A Hillbilly farmer who wanted to get a divorce paid a visit to a lawyer.
The lawyer said, “How can I help you?”
The farmer said, “I want to get one of those dayvorces.”
The lawyer said. “Do you have any grounds?”
The farmer said, “Yes, I got 40 acres.”
The lawyer said,”No, you don’t understand. Do you have a suit”?
The farmer said.”Yes, I got a suit, I wears it to church on Sunday’s.”
The lawyer said,”No, no, I mean, do you have a case?”
The farmer said. “No, I ain’t got a Case, but I got a John Deere.”
The lawyer said, “No, I mean, do you have a grudge?”
The farmer said, “Yes, I got a grudge, that’s where I parks John Deere.”
The lawyer said. “Does your wife beat you up or something”?
The farmer said, “No, we both get up at 4:30.”
The lawyer said, “Is your wife a nagger?”
The farmer said. “No, she’s a little white gal, but our last child was a nagger and that’s why I wants a dayvorce.
Technorati Tags: humour, humor, jokes, comedy, funny
We’ve all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below…
GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: “Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere ?”
BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: “You’re next.”
I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome since both ultimately result in death
Technorati Tags: humour, humor, jokes, comedy, funny
Two men are out fishing at their favourite fishing hole, just fishing quietly and drinking beer.
Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Jim says, “I think I’m going to divorce my wife - she hasn’t spoken to me in over 2 months.
Earl continues slowly sipping his beer, then thoughtfully says, “You better think it over - women like that are hard to find.”
Technorati Tags: humour, humor, jokes, comedy, funny
A man and his wife go visit a marriage counselor. First, the wife speaks to the counselor alone. The counselor asks, “You say you’ve been married 20 years, so what seems to be the problem?”
The wife replies, “It’s my husband — he’s driving me crazy! I’m going to leave him if he continues!”
“How does he drive you crazy?”
“For 20 years,” she says, “he’s been doing these stupid things. First, whenever we go out, he’s always looking at the floor and refuses to go near anyone. He seems paranoid. It’s very embarrassing.”
The marriage counselor is amused, “Anything else?”
“He keeps picking his nose all the time! Even in public!”
“Hmm, anything else?”
The wife hesitates, “whenever we’re making love, he NEVER lets me be on top! Once in a while, I’d like to be in control!”
“Ah,” says the counselor, “I think I’ll talk to your husband now.” So the wife goes out of the room and the husband enters. The counselor tells him, Your wife says that you’ve been driving her crazy. She might even leave you.
The husband looks shocked, “WHAT? For 20 years I’ve been loving and considerate and I’ve always given her what she wants!
What could be the problem?”
The counselor explains, “She says that you’ve got these habits that are driving her crazy. First, you’re always acting strange in public - looking at the floor and never going near anyone else.”
The husband looks concerned, “Oh, you don’t understand! It’s one of the few things my father told me to do in his deathbed and I swore I’d obey everything he said.”
“What did he say?”
“He said that I should never step on anyone’s toes!”
The counselor looks amused, “Actually, that means that you should not do anything that would cause anyone else to get angry.”
The husband looks sheepish, “Oh. Okay.”
The counselor continues, “And you keep picking your nose in public.”
“Well, its another thing my father specifically commanded me to do! He told me to always keep my nose clean.”
The counselor looks faint, “That means that you should not indulge in any criminal activity.”
“Oh,” says the husband looking very stupid.
“And finally, she says that you never allow her to be on top during your lovemaking.”
“This,” says the husband seriously, “is the last thing my father commanded me to do on his deathbed and it’s the most important thing.”
“What did he say?”
The husband replies, “In his dying breath, he said. Don’t screw up.”
Technorati Tags: marriage counselor, humour, humor, jokes, funny
It’s the summer of 1957 and Harold goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue.
Harold’s a pretty hip guy with his own car and a duck tail hairdo. He approaches the front door and Peggy Sue’s mother answers. She invites him in. “Peggy Sue’s not ready yet, so why don’t you have a seat?”
Peggy Sue’s mother asks Harold what they’re planning to do. Harold \replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or maybe a motion picture show…if that’s okay.
Peggy Sue’s mother responds, “Why don’t you kids go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it.”
Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Harold and he says, “Whaaaat?”
“Yes,” says Peggy Sue’s mother, “We think Peggy Sue would really like to screw; why, she’d probably screw all night!”
Harold’s eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear. He revises the plans for the evening.
A few minutes later Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and saddle shoes. She smiles and says she’s ready.
With breathless anticipation Harold escorts his date out the front door while Mom is saying, “Have a good evening you kids,” and adds a small wink for Harold.
About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her mother: “It’s the Twist, Mom! It’s called The Twist!”
Technorati Tags: humour, jokes, humor, funny
A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years before.
Because of their hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minneapolis and flew to Florida on Friday, and his wife was flying down the following day.
The husband checked into the hotel, and unlike years ago, there was a computer in his room, and he decided to send an email to his wife.
However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without noticing his error, sent the email to the wrong address.
Meanwhile…somewhere in Houston … a widow had just returned home from her husband’s funeral. He was a Minister who was called home to glory after suffering a heart attack.
The widow decided to check her email, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and then fainted.
The widow’s son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and then glanced up and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Date: Friday, December 1, 2006
Subject: I have Arrived!
Dearest Love:
I know you are surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now, and you are allowed to send email to your loved ones. I have just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow, and look forward to seeing you then. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
PS….. Sure is freaking hot down here!
Your loving Husband
Technorati Tags: humour, humor, jokes, funny, comedy, Not PC
She’s sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.
Technorati Tags: jokes, humour, humor
A woman in her fifties is at home, unclothed, happily jumping on her bed, squealing with delight. Her husband watches her for a while and asks, “Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What’s the matter with you?”
The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, “I don’t care what you think. I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says that not only am I healthy but I have the breasts of an 18 year-old.”
The husband replies, “What did he say about your 55-year old ass?”
“Your name never came up”, she replied.
Technorati Tags: humour, comedy, humor, jokes, not PC
Prospective husband: Do you have a book called
‘Man, The Master of Women’?
Salesgirl: The fiction department is on the other side, sir.
Technorati Tags: humour, humor, jokes, not PC