Doug's Divine Drollery

A train hits a bus load of catholic school girls and they all perish. In heaven they try to enter the pearly gates past Saint Peter. Saint Peter asks the first girl in line ” Tiffany, have you ever had contact with the male penis?” She giggles and shyly replies, “once I touched the head [...]

An elderly Italian man asked the local priest to hear his confession: “Father, during WW2 a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans. I hid her in my attic.” The priest replied, “That was a wonderful thing you did and you have no need to confess.” “It’s [...]

Two Italian nuns are riding their rickety old bikes down the back streets of Rome one late afternoon. As it turns dusk, the increasing darkness starts making one of the nuns a little nervous, she leans over to the other and says, “you know, I’ve never come this way before.” The other nun replies, “it’s [...]

God worried that Adam would frequently become lost in the garden because he would not ask for directions. God knew that Adam would never go out and get himself a new fig leaf when his seat wore out and would therefore need Eve to get one for him. God knew that Adam would never be [...]

Southerners can be so polite Atlanta Tower: “Saudi Air 511 — You are cleared to land on runway 9R.” Saudi Air: “Thank you Atlanta . Acknowledge cleared to land on infidel’s runway 9R – Allah be Praised.” Atlanta Tower: ” Iran Air 711 – You are cleared to land on runway 27L.” Iran Air: “Thank [...]

A business man was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort with an extremely healthy sex drive, so he thought he’d buy her a little something to keep her occupied while he was gone. He went to a store that sold sex toys and started [...]

For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven. “You’ve been such exemplary statues,” he announced to them, “That I’m going to give you a special gift. I’m going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, [...]

Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day and they both go before an Angel to find out if they’ll be admitted to Heaven. Unfortunately, there’s only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in. The Angel asks Dolly if there’s some particular reason why she [...]

One day The Lord came to Adam to pass on some news. “I’ve got some good news and some bad news,”, The Lord said. Adam looked at The Lord and said, “Well, give me the good news first.” Smiling, The Lord explained, “I’ve got two new organs for you, one is called a brain. It [...]

One day God was looking down to earth and saw all of the evil that was going on. He decided to send an angel down to earth to check it out. So, he called on a female angel and sent her to earth for a time. When she returned she told God, yes it is [...]

Miss Bea, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. The pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in the spring, and she welcomed him into her Victorian parlor. She invited him to have a seat while she [...]

Little Tommy was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything; tutors, flash cards, special learning centers, in short, everything they could think of. Finally in a last ditch effort, they took Tommy down & enrolled him in the local Catholic School. After the first day, little Johnny comes home with a very [...]

A priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner. However, he was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they [...]

A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery: Schwartz had the longest penis he had ever seen! “I’m [...]

A new young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to [...]

An old nun who was living in a convent next to a Brooklyn construction site noticed the coarse language of the workers and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways. She decided she would take her lunch sit with the workers and talk with them. She put her sandwich in a [...]

A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river. He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the Preacher. The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says, “Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?” The drunk looks back and says, “Yes, Preacher, I sure [...]

The wise old Mother Superior from county Tipperary was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink, but she refused it. Then one nun took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous [...]

The Lord came to Noah in Canada in the year 2003. Earth Was wicked and over-populated. The Lord instructed Noah to rebuild the Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans. “Here’s the blueprint”, said the Lord. “Hurry – in six months I start the unending rain for 40 [...]

There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black: He called everyone “brother” He liked Gospel He couldn’t get a fair trial But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus wasJewish: He went into His Fathers business. He lived at home until he was 33 He was sure his Mother was a virgin [...]

The Pope, Billy Graham and Oral Roberts were in a three-way plane crash over the Atlantic Ocean. Tragically, they all died and went to the Pearly Gates together. “Oh, this is terrible,” exclaimed St. Peter. “I know you guys think we summoned you here, but we weren’t expecting you, and your quarters just aren’t ready. [...]

A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior chatting. “I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it.” “When did you use this awful language?” asks the elder. “Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck [...]

It was time for Father John’s Saturday night bath and young Sister Magdalene Edwards had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed. Sister Magdalene Edwards was also instructed not to look at Fr. John’s nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and [...]

A young hotshot gets a job with the IRS. His first assignment is to audit an old rabbi. He thinks he’ll have a little fun with the old rabbi, so he says, “Rabbi, what do you do with the drippings from the candles?” The rabbi says, “We send them to the candle factory, and every [...]

The priest in a small Irish village was very fond of the chickens he kept in the hen house out the back of the parish manse. He had a cock rooster and about ten hens. One Saturday night the cock rooster went missing and as that was the time he suspected cock fights occurred in [...]