Doug’s Divine Drollery

Jesus and Moses were strolling by the Red Sea, when Moses nudged Jesus and said, “Psst. Hey, Jesus, I’ve still got it.”
Moses turned towards the Red Sea and lifted his staff on high. The angels began to sing, the gentle sea breeze turned into a raging gale, and the waters of the Red Sea were [...]

What did Jesus say to the roman soldier once he was up on the cross.
“Hey I think I can see your house from up here.”
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What’s the difference between Jesus Christ and an oil painting?
You only need one nail to hold up a picture.
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Why can’t Jesus eat M&M’s?
They keep falling through his hands.
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Why didn’t Jesus go [...]

A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher’s hand . He said ‘Preacher, I’ll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!’
The preacher said, ‘Thank you sir, but I’d rather you didn’t use profanity.’
The man said, ‘I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put [...]

One Sunday, in counting the money in the [tag]weekly offering[/tag], the Pastor of a small church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the next week.
The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw an elderly woman put the distinctive pink envelope on the plate. This went on for weeks [...]

Top Fifty Atheist T-Shirt and Bumper Sticker Aphorisms

Abstinence Makes the Church Grow Fondlers
Honk If Your Religious Beliefs Make You An Asshole
Intelligent Design Makes My Monkey Cry
Too Stupid to Understand Science? Try Religion.
There’s A REASON Why [...]

The old [tag]priest[/tag] lay dying in the hospital. For years he had faithfully served the people of the nation’s capital. He motioned for his nurse to come near.
‘Yes, Father?’ said the nurse.
‘I would really like to see Ex prime-ministers [tag]Jean Chretien[/tag] and Brian Mulroney before I die,’ whispered the priest.
‘I’ll see [...]

There will be no [tag]Nativity Scene[/tag] in the United State [tag]Congress[/tag], this year!
The [tag]Supreme Court[/tag] has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in the United States capital this [tag]Christmas[/tag] season.
This isn’t for any religious reason, they simply have not been able to find three [tag]wise men[/tag] and a [tag]virgin[/tag] in the Nation’s capital.
There [...]

A [tag]nun[/tag] walks into Mother Superior’s office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.
“What troubles you, Sister?” asks the [tag]Mother Superior[/tag]. “I thought this was the day you spent with your family?
It was,” sighed the Sister. “And I went to play [tag]golf[/tag] with my brother. We try to [...]

Three priests were in a railroad station on their way home to
Pittsburgh . Behind the ticket counter was a very sexy, shapely,
well-endowed woman wearing a very tight, skimpy sweater. She made the three priests very nervous, so they drew straws to determine who would get the tickets.
The first priest approached the window. “Young lady, I [...]

I met an older woman at a club last night.
She was OK for 57, we drank a bit, had a bit of a song & she asked if I’d ever had the sportsman’s double, a mother and daughter threesome?
I said no.
We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was my lucky night.
I went [...]

A priest was preparing a man for his long journey into the night.
Whispering firmly, the priest said, “Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil.”
The dying man said nothing.
The priest repeated his order. Still the dying man said nothing.
The priest asked, “Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and [...]

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years before.
Because of their hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minneapolis and flew to Florida on [...]

STORY OF ELIJAH
The Sunday school teacher was carefully explaining the story of Elijah the Prophet and the false prophets of Baal. She explained how Elijah built the altar, put wood upon it, cut a steer in pieces, and laid it upon the altar. And then, Elijah commanded the people of God to fill four [...]

At the end of the tax year Revenue Canada sent an inspector to [tag]audit[/tag] the books of a [tag]synagogue[/tag].
While he was checking the books, he turned to the Rabbi and said, “I notice you buy many candles. What do you do with the drippings?”
“Good question,” noted the [tag]Rabbi[/tag]. “we save them up and [...]

A man suffered a serious heart attack and had open heart bypass surgery.
He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic Hospital.
As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay for his treatment.
She asked if [...]

Much to their surprise the [tag]72 virgins[/tag] waiting in heaven for [tag]Muslim[/tag] s[tag]uicide bombers[/tag] were not what they had been expecting

[tags]humour,humor,jokes[/tags]

Sister Mary Catherine lived in a convent, a block away from Jack’s liquor store. One day, in walked Sister Mary Catherine and she said,
“Oh Jack, give me a pint o’ the brandy.”
“Sister Mary Catherine,” exclaimed Jack, “I could never do that! I’ve never sold alcohol to a nun in my life!”
“Oh Jack,” she responded, [...]

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he [...]

Fathers Pietro and George are in a Vatican bathroom using the urinals.
Father Pietro looks at the other priest’s equipment and notices there’s a
Nicoderm patch on the shaft of his rather large penis.
He looks over and says, “Father George, I believe you’re supposed to put that
patch on your arm or shoulder, not down there!”
Father George replies, [...]

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, “I almost had an affair with another woman.”
The priest said, “What do you mean, almost?”
The Irishman said, “Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.”
The priest said , “Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You’re not to [...]

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence.
One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.
“One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me,” said one [...]

It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bad day on the day that you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day.
So, the next day [...]

Jewish girl tells her Catholic college roommate that she’s going home for Rosh Hashanah.
The Catholic girl asks the Jewish girl, “Is this the holiday when you light eight candles?”
“No,” the Jewish girl replies, “that’s Hanukah.”
The Catholic girl then asks the Jewish girl, “Is that when you eat those big crackers?”
“No,” the Jewish girl replies, “that’s [...]

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. Murphy had never been seen in church in his life.
After Mass, the priest caught up with Murphy and said, “Murphy, I am so glad you decided to come to Mass, what made you come?”
Murphy said, “I got [...]

Taoism: Sh*t happens.
Confucianism: Confucius say, “sh*t happens.”
Buddhism: If sh*t happens, it is not really sh*t.
Zen Buddhism: What is the sound of sh*t happening?
Hinduism: This sh*t happened before
Islam: If sh*t happens, it is the will of Allah.
Protestantism: Let sh*t happen to someone else.
Catholicism: If sh*t happens, you deserved [...]