In 1993, the University of Kentucky did a study to see why the head of a man’s penis was larger than the shaft.

After one year and $ 80,000.00, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.

After the study was published, the University of South Carolina decided to do their own study.

After $250,000.00, and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.

The University of Georgia, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After 2 weeks and a cost of around $75.46, they concluded that it was to keep a man’s hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.

Technorati Tags: humour, humor, jokes, comedy, funny, sex

It had taken him several months, but the executive vice president had finally persuaded his new secretary to bend over the back of his leather couch and allow him to have sex with her that way.

“And just where have you been until this hour?” demanded his wife, when the wayward husband finally arrived home.

“Down at the office,” he replied, “working like a dog.”

Technorati Tags: sex, humour, humor, comedy, fun, jokes, working like a dog

Click here for a readable image

We make great commercials here in Canada NSFW

Oh ya and Terra does make great boots

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A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn’t seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes. The woman asked the gentlemen, “What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?”

The gentlemen responded, “Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden naked in my trench coat and flash. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much.”

Well, the woman was so impressed, she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she flashed her garden hoping for the best.

One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, “By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?”

No”, she replied, “but my cucumbers are enormous.”

Technorati Tags: humour, humor, jokes, comedy, funny

We’ve all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below…

GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: “Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere ?”

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: “You’re next.”

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome since both ultimately result in death

Technorati Tags: humour, humor, jokes, comedy, funny

So you think you’re having a bad day?

(more…)

A man is showering up in a locker room with his buddy when he notices his friend is very well endowed.

“Damn Bob, you’re hung!” Jim exclaims.

“I wasn’t always this impressive; I had to work for it.”

“What do you mean?” Jim asked.

“Well, every day for the past two years I’ve spent an hour each night rubbing it with butter. I know it sounds crazy but it actually made it grow 4 inches! You should try it.”

Jim agrees and the two say good bye.

A few months later the two are in the same locker room and Bob asks Jim how his situation was.

Jim replied, “I did what you said, Bob, but I’ve actually gotten smaller! I lost two inches already!”

“Did you do everything I told you? An hour each day with butter?”

“Well, I was out of butter, so I’ve been using Crisco.”

“Crisco!!?” Bob exclaimed. “Damm it, Jim, Crisco is shortening!

MORAL: You gotta follow the recipe!

Technorati Tags: well endowed, humour, humor, jokes, funny, not PC

I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

1. I do physical labour
2. I work at great depths
3. I work head first
4. I do not get RDO’s, weekends off or public holidays
5. I work in a damp environment
6. I don’t get paid overtime or shift penalties
7. I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation
8. I work in high temperatures
9. My work exposes me to contagious diseases

Response from the administration:

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

1. You do not work 8 hours straight
2. You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods
3. You do not always follow the orders of the management team
4. You do not stay in your allocated position, and often visit other areas
5. You take a lot of non-rostered breaks
6. You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working
7. You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift
8. You don’t always observe OH&S measures, such as wearing the correct protective outfits
9. You don’t wait till pension age before retiring
10. You don’t like working double shifts
11. You sometimes leave your allocated position before you have completed the day’s work
12. And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and leaving the work place carrying 2 suspicious looking bags

Technorati Tags: humour, humor, jokes, funny, not PC, NSFW

Technorati Tags: oral sex, sex, jokes, humour, humor, funny, not PC

On Saturday afternoon, I was sitting in my lawn chair, drinking beer and watching my wife mow the lawn.

The neighbor lady from across the street was so outraged that she came over and shouted at me, “You should be hung!”

I took a drink from my can of Coors Light, wiped the cold foam from my lips, lifted my darkened Ray Ban sunglasses and stared directly into the eyes of this nosy ass neighbor and then calmly replied,

“I am. That’s why she cuts the grass.”

Technorati Tags: humour, humor, jokes, not PC

Dave walks into a bar and sees John sittin at the end of the bar counter with a great big smile on his face.

Dave says “John what are you so happy for?”

“Well Dave, I gotta tell ya… Yesterday I was out waxin’ my boat, just waxin’ my boat, and a redhead came up to me… tits out to here, Dave, tits out to here! She says “Can I have a ride in your boat?” “I said ‘Sure you can have a ride in my boat.’ So I took her way out, Dave. I turned off the key and I said ‘Its either screw or swim!’ She couldn’t swim, Dave, she couldn’t swim!!.”

A couple days pass and Dave walks into a bar and sees John down there cryin over a beer.

Dave says “John, what are you so sad for?”

“Well Dave, I gotta tell ya…. Yesterday I was out waxin’ my boat, just waxin’ my boat, and the most desirable brunette came up to me… tits WAY out to here, Dave, tits WAY out to here. I had more wood than my boat does. She says “Can I have a ride in your boat?” “Sure you can have a ride in my boat.” So I took her way out, Dave, way WAY out… much further than the last two. I turned off the key, and looked at her tits and said ‘Its either screw or swim!!’.

Then, she pulled down her pants…. she had a dick, Dave !!! She had a great BIG dick!!! …..

…. Dave, ….. I CAN’T SWIM!!!”

Technorati Tags: jokes, humour, humor, not PC

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and He could no longer resist.

“Miss Beatrice”, he said, “I wonder if you would tell me about this?” pointing to the bowl.

“Oh, yes,” she replied, “Isn’t it wonderful? I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven’t had the flu all winter.”

Fathers Pietro and George are in a Vatican bathroom using the urinals.

Father Pietro looks at the other priest’s equipment and notices there’s a
Nicoderm patch on the shaft of his rather large penis.

He looks over and says, “Father George, I believe you’re supposed to put that
patch on your arm or shoulder, not down there!”

Father George replies, “It’s working just fine. I’m down to two butts a
day.”

IF YOU LAUGH….YOU’RE GOING STRAIGHT TO HELL!

1. I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, “How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?” - Melinda Lowe, 39, Seguin TX
2. An insurance man visited me at home to talk about our mortgage insurance. He was throwing a lot of facts and figures at me, and I wanted to follow as best I could, so I told my 6-year-old son to run and get me a pad. He came back and handed me a Kotex right in front of our guest.
3. I was taking a shower when my 2 year old son came into the bathroom and wrapped himself in toilet paper. Although he made a mess, he looked adorable, so I ran for my camera and took a few shots. They came out so well that I had copies made and included one with each of our Christmas cards. Days later, a relative called about the picture, laughing hyster ically, and suggesting I take a closer look. Puzzled, I stared at the photo and was shocked to discover that in addition to my son, I had captured my reflection in the mirror wearing nothing but a camera! - Name Withheld
4. I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women’s type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, “I think I like playing with men’s ball s.”- Colleen Collins, 31, Ferndale, MI
5. My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, “No, I’m just looking at your nuts.” My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet red and walked away. To this day, my si ster has never let me forget. - Faye Emerick,34. Ellerslie, MD
6. A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear,”PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX, SUPER SIZE.” That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear o f the store apparently misunderstood the word “Tampax” for “THUMBTACKS.” In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom. “DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?”
7. A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy. The teacher told him to go down to the pr! incipal’s office. He was to phone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did it and returned to his class. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out. “I thought I told you to call your Mom.” she screamed. “I did,” he said, “And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she’d come and pick me up from school.

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She said, “Please allow me to help. I’m a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you’d allow.”

“Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I’ll be all right…I’ll be fine in a few minutes,” he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.

But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then asked him, “How does that feel?”

To which he replied, “It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell.”!!!

Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two prostitutes and take them to their separate hotel rooms.

The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his little friend shouting out cries of “Here I come again… ONE, TWO,THREE…UUH!” all night long.

In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, “How did it go?”

The first mutters, “It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn’t get a hard on.”

The second dwarf shook his head. “You think that’s embarrassing? “I couldn’t even get on the fucking bed…”

A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened. Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00. When the postal authorities received the letter to God, Canada, they decided to send it to the Prime Minister.

Harper was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. The Prime Minister thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read: Dear God, thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Ottawa, Ontario, and those assholes deducted $95.00 in taxes

A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

“Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?”

“Negative, ma’am. Just serious by nature.”

“The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, “It looks like you have seen a lot of action.”

“Yes, ma’am, a lot of action.”

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, “You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself.”

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, “You know, I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?”

“1955, ma’am.”

“Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955!” She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to “relax” him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, “Wow, you sure didn’t forget much since 1955!”

The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, “I hope not, it’s only 2130 now.”

A guy is walking through a circus fairground one day, when he notices a stunning woman sprawled on the ground unconscious. Kneeling next to the beauty, he lightly slaps her face. No response. Then he rubs her wrists. Nothing. He even tries mouth to mouth. The gorgeous woman does not respond. Finally, the guy takes another tack. He unbuttons the girl’s blouse, slides it off her body. Then, unhooking her bra, he begins to massage and fondle her firm, milky breasts.

The girl begins to moan and gasp in pleasure, her nipples stiffening, and finally her eyes flutter open.

“Oh thank you,” she sighs. Looking down at the guy’s hands still massaging her tits, she goes on. “Tell me, how did you think of such a novel way to revive me?”

“It wasn’t my idea,” he says. “That guy over there kept shouting, “Rubber balloons!… Rubber balloons!”

It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bad day on the day that you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day.

So, the next day at 12:01 the first person came to the gates of Heaven. The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly asked the man, “Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when you died.”

“No problem,” the man said. “I came home to my 25th-floor apartment on my lunch hour and caught my wife having an affair. But her lover was nowhere in sight. I immediately began searching for him. My wife was half naked and yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment.

Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy!

Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground.

But wouldn’t you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn’t die. This ticked me off even more.

In a rage, I went back inside to get the first heavy thing I could get my hands on to throw at him.

Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony, and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him!

The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly.”

The Angel sat back and thought a moment. Technically, the guy did have a bad day. It was a crime of passion. So, the Angel announced, “OK, sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven,” and let him in.

A few seconds later the next guy came up To the Angel’s surprise, it was Donald Trump.

“Mr. Trump, before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your day was like when you died.”

Trump said, “No problem. But you’re not going to believe this. I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. I had been under a lot of pressure so I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over the side!

Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine. But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, starts cussing, and stomps on my fingers. Well, of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom, which broke my fall, so I didn’t die right away.

As I’m laying there face up on the ground, unable to move and in excruciating pain, I see this guy push his refrigerator of all things off the balcony. It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me, killing me instantly.”

The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as Trump finishes his story. “I could get used to this new policy,” he thinks to himself. “Very well,” the Angel announces. “Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven,” and he lets Trump enter.

A few seconds later, Bill Clinton comes up to the gate. The Angel is almost too shocked to speak. Thoughts of assassination and war pour through the Angel’s head. Finally he says, “Mr. President, please tell me what it was like the day you died.”

Clinton says, “OK, picture this. I’m naked, inside a refrigerator……”

THE PRINCESS

Once upon a time there lived a king. The king had a beautiful daughter, the princess. But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt. No matter what; metal, wood, plastic - anything she touched would melt. Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her. The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter? He consulted his wizards and magicians.

One wizard told the king, “If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured.”

The king was overjoyed. The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king’s wealth. Three young princes took up the challenge. The first prince brought a very hard alloy of titanium. But alas, once the princess touched it, it melted. The prince went away sadly. The second prince brought a huge diamond, thinking that diamond is the hardest substance in the world and would not melt. But alas, once the princess touched it, it melted. He too was sent away disappointed.

The third prince approached.

He told the princess, “Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there.”

The princess did as she was told, though she turned red. She felt something hard. She held it in her hand. And it did not melt!!! The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed. And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.

Question: What was the object in the prince’s pants?

(more…)

Gennaro is in this country for only 6 months. He walks to work 20 blocks every day and passes a shoe store. Each day he stops and looks in the window to admire the Boccelli leather shoes. He wants those shoes so much… it’s all he can think about.

After about 2 months he saves the price of the shoes, $300, and purchases them. Every Friday night the Italian community holds a dance in the church basement. Gennaro seizes this opportunity to wear his new Boccelli leather shoes for the first time.

He asks Sophia to dance and as they dance he asks her, “Sophia, do you wear red panties tonight?”

Startled, Sophia replies, “Yes, Gennaro, I do wear red panties tonight, but how do you know?”

Gennaro answers, “I see the reflection in my new $300 Boccelli leather shoes. How do you like them?”

Next he asks Rosa to dance, and after a few minutes he asks, “Rosa, do you wear white panties tonight?”

Rosa answers, “Yes, Gennaro, I do, but how do you know that?”

He replies, “I see the reflection in my new $300 Boccelli leather shoes. How do you like them?”

Now as the evening is almost over and the last song is being played, Gennaro asks Carmela to dance. Midway through the dance his face turns red. He states, “Carmela, be stilla my heart, please, please tell me you wear no panties tonight, please, please, tella me this true!”

Carmela smiles coyly and answers, “Yes Gennaro, I wear no panties tonight.”

Gennaro gasps, “Thanka God … I thought I had a CRACK in my $300 Boccelli leather shoes!

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office .. but she belonged to someone else… One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said “I’ll give you a $100 if you let me have sex with you…” but the girl said “NO.” Johnny said “I’ll be fast, I’ll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I’ll be finished by the time you pick it up.”

She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult herboyfriend. … so she called her boyfriend and told him the story.

Her boyfriend says ask him for $200, pick up the money very fast, he won’t even be able to get his pants down. She agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call. Finally after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks what happened…

She said “The bastard used quarters!”

Management lesson: Always consider a business proposal in it’s entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed.

While trying to escape through Pakistan, Osama Bin Laden found a bottle on a beach and picked it up. Suddenly, a female genie rose from the bottle and with a smile said “Master, may I grant you one wish?”

“You ignorant unworthy daughter-of-a-dog! Don’t you know who I am? I don’t need any common woman giving me anything,” barked Bin Laden.

The shocked genie said “Please, I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to that bottle forever.”

Osama thought a moment, grumbled about the impertinence of the woman, and said “Very well, I want to awaken with three white women in my bed in the morning, so just do it and be off with you!”

The annoyed genie said, “So be it!” and disappeared.

The next morning, Bin Laden woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding, and Hillary Clinton. His penis was gone, his knee was broken, and he had no health insurance.