Doug's Divine Drollery

It’s not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be: 1. A friend 2. A companion 3. A lover 4. A brother 5. A father 6. A master 7. A chef 8. An electrician 9. A carpenter 10. A plumber 11. A mechanic 12. A decorator 13. A stylist 14. A [...]

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, ‘I would like to buy some cyanide.’ The pharmacist asked, ‘Why in the world do you need cyanide?’ The lady replied, ‘I need it to poison my husband.’ The pharmacist’s eyes got big [...]

When Jane first met Tarzan in the jungle, she was greatly attracted to his well-muscled body, and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex? ‘Tarzan not know sex’ he replied. Jane explained to him what sex was. Tarzan said ‘Oh ….Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree.’ Horrified [...]

The year is 2016 and the United States has elected a woman, Susan Goldfarb, as the first Jewish president. She calls up her mother a few weeks after election day and says, ‘So, Mom, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?’ ‘I don’t think so. It’s a ten hour drive, your father isn’t [...]

Scientist revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, they fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100 percent of them gained weight, talked incessantly without making sense, and couldn’t drive. “No further testing is planned.

Results of a recent research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex. The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone,and you both have sex until you are blue in the face. The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. This is when [...]

A woman comes home and tells her husband, “Remember those headaches I’ve been having all these years? Well, they’re gone.” “No more headaches?” The husband asks, ”What happened?” His wife replies, Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat “I do not [...]

He didn’t like the casserole And he didn’t like my cake, He said my biscuits were too hard Not like his mother used to make. I didn’t perk the coffee right He didn’t like the stew, I didn’t mend his socks The way his mother used to do. I pondered for an answer I was [...]

Two Jewish women were sitting quietly together, minding their own business.

After her fifth child, Lucy decided that she should have some cosmetic surgery “down below” to restore herself to her former youthful glory, and because the bomb doors were dangling a bit too low and looked like a ripped out fireplace. Time, gravity and child birth had taken their toll and she reckoned that with [...]

Every 14th of February you get the chance to display your fondness for your wife or girlfriend by showering her with gifts, flowers, dinner, shows and any other baubles that women find romantic. Secret…guys feel left out. That’s right…left out. There’s no special holiday for the ladies to show their appreciation for the men in [...]

A lady called her gynecologist, and asked for an “emergency” appointment. The receptionist said to come right in. She rushed to the office and was ushered right into an examination room. The doctor came into the exam room and asked about her problem. She was very shy about her emergency problem and asked the gynecologist [...]

My husband came home with a tube of K Y jelly and said, ” This will make you happy tonight.” He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn’t get back in.

A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband yells, “When you die, I’m getting you a headstone that reads: ‘Here Lies My Wife – Cold As Ever’.” “Yeah,” she replies, “When you die, I’m getting you a headstone reads: ‘Here Lies My Husband – [...]

Two men were talking. “So, how’s your sex life?” “Oh, nothing special. I’m having Social Security sex.” “Social Security sex?” “Yeah, you know… I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!” >

Two gay guys are walking through a zoo. They come across the gorillas and notice that the male gorilla has a massive erection. The gay men are fascinated by this. One of the men just can’t bear it any longer and he reaches into the cage to touch it. The gorilla grabs him, drags him [...]

It is Saturday, a crisp spring afternoon, and you’re exactly where you should be: stretched out on the couch in front of a televised Sporting event, opening beer number two, relaxed in the knowledge that the pizza you ordered is even now on its way. Nothing could improve this moment, except maybe a bigger television. [...]

Wifespeak English Equivalent You want you want We need I want It’s your decision The correct decision should be obvious by now Do what you want You’ll pay for this later We need to talk I need to complain Sure, go ahead I don’t want you to I’m not upset Of course I’m upset, you [...]

God worried that Adam would frequently become lost in the garden because he would not ask for directions. God knew that Adam would never go out and get himself a new fig leaf when his seat wore out and would therefore need Eve to get one for him. God knew that Adam would never be [...]

Women wear high heels to bed. Men are never impotent. When going down on a woman 10 seconds is more than satisfactory. If a woman gets busted masturbating by a strange man, she will not scream with embarrassment, but rather insist he have sex with her. Women smile appreciatively when men splat them in the [...]