Doug’s Divine Drollery

Top Fifty Atheist T-Shirt and Bumper Sticker Aphorisms

Abstinence Makes the Church Grow Fondlers
Honk If Your Religious Beliefs Make You An Asshole
Intelligent Design Makes My Monkey Cry
Too Stupid to Understand Science? Try Religion.
There’s A REASON Why [...]

There will be no Nativity Scene in the United State Congress, this year!
The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in the United States capital this Christmas season.
This isn’t for any religious reason, they simply have not been able to find three wise men and a virgin in the Nation’s capital.
There [...]

HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION
Q: I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that’s it… Don’t waste them on exercise . Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that’s like saying you can extend the [...]

Men are like…..Laxatives ….. They irritate the crap out of you.
Men are like…..Bananas . The older they get, the less firm they are.
Men are like…..Weather . Nothing can be done to change them.
Men are like…..Blenders You need One, but you’re not quite sure why.
Men are like…..Chocolate Bars ….. Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right [...]

When choking on an ice cube, simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. Presto! The blockage will instantly remove itself.
Avoid cutting yourself slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold while you chop.
Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.
To treat high blood pressure: simply cut [...]

Please don’t feel bad, lady. It wasn’t you entering the men’s washroom that caused that guy to pee on the guy next to him. Hell, we do that all the time. It’s rare for us guys to ever hit what were aiming for. Sometimes I go into the washroom, start to pee, and then just [...]

I believe that, in general, women are saner than men. For example: If you see people who have paid good money to stand in an outdoor stadium on a freezing December day wearing nothing on the upper halves of their bodies except paint, those people will be male.
Without males, there would be no such sport [...]

Accept that some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the statue.
Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.
Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax [...]

GOD: Frank, you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there on the planet? What happened to the dandelions, violets, thistle and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand [...]

Don’t buy a putter until you’ve had a chance to throw it.
Never try to keep more than 30 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing.
When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls.
If you’re afraid a full shot might reach the green [...]

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.
The courage to change the things I cannot accept,and the
wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill today
because they pissed me off and also, help me to be careful
of the toes I step on today, as they may be connected [...]

An old man lived alone in Ireland. He wanted to dig his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, who would have helped him, was in prison for bank robbery. The old man wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his predicament.
Shortly, he received this reply, “For HEAVEN’S SAKE Dad, [...]

DON’T waste money on expensive ipods. Simply think of your favourite tune and hum it. If you want to “switch tracks”, simply think of another song you like and hum that instead.
CINEMA goers. Please have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by having a p*ss before the film starts.
RAPPERS. Avoid having to say ‘know what I’m [...]

A careful driver is being tailgated by a stressed-out driver on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turns yellow, just in front of him. He does the honest thing, and stops at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.
The tailgating driver hits the roof, and the [...]

Whether a man winds up with a nest egg, or a goose egg, depends a lot on the kind of chick he marries.
Trouble in marriage often starts when a man gets so busy earnin’ his salt, that he forgets his sugar.
Too many couples marry for better, or for worse, but not for good.
When a man [...]

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
A day without sunshine is like, night.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
42.7 per cent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
99 per cent of journalists give the rest a bad name.
I feel like I’m diagonally parked [...]

COWS
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that our government can
track a cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington and they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering [...]

Imagine having a recipe for this ! Years ago an Alabama grandmother gave a new bride the following recipe: This is an exact copy as written and found in an old scrapbook - with spelling errors and all.
WASHING CLOTHES Build fire in backyard to heat kettle of rain water. Set tubs so smoke wont blow [...]

Lesson I - Never, never assume that your BOSS knows everything.
A young executive was leaving the office at 6 p.m.when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
“Listen,” said the CEO, “this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary has left. Can [...]

Inside every older person is a younger person — wondering what the hell happened :Cora Harvey Armstrong
The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy: Helen Hayes (at 73)
I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray eyebrows: Janette Barber
Things are going to get a [...]

The three little words are: “Hold On, Please…”
Saying this, while putting down your phone and walking off (instead of hanging-up immediately) would make each telemarketing call so much more time-consuming that boiler room sales would grind to a halt.
Then when you eventually hear the phone company’s “beep-beep-beep” tone, you know it’s time to go back [...]

“At an airport one night
With several long hours before her flight.
She hunted for a book in an airport shop,
Bought a bag of cookies and found a place to drop.
She was engrossed in her book but happened to see,
That the man sitting beside her, as bold as could be,
Grabbed a cookie or two from the bag [...]

An old man, a boy and a donkey were going to town. The boy rode on the donkey and the old man walked. As they went along they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding.
The old man and the boy thought that maybe [...]

A Marine was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he received a letter from his girlfriend. In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break - up with him. AND, she wanted pictures of herself back.
So the Marine did what [...]

Nick the Dragon Slayer was an official in King Arthur’s court. He had a long-standing obsession to nuzzle the beautiful Queen’s voluptuous breasts, but he knew the penalty for this would be death. One day he revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, who was the King’s chief doctor.
Horatio the Physician exclaimed [...]