Doug's Divine Drollery

Wifespeak English Equivalent You want you want We need I want It’s your decision The correct decision should be obvious by now Do what you want You’ll pay for this later We need to talk I need to complain Sure, go ahead I don’t want you to I’m not upset Of course I’m upset, you [...]

As a young, modern virgin of the 21st Century, you no doubt have many questions concerning romance, love, even s..e..x. In this sensitive and frank “question and answer” format, noted sex therapist Dr Ruth explains everything you’ve ever wondered about. Q: Where can I find the man of my dreams ? A: This is a [...]

Keep this in mind the next time you are about to repeat a rumour or spread gossip. In ancient Greece (469 – 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, “Socrates, do you know what I just heard about Diogenes?” “Wait a moment,” [...]

Birds of a feather flock together . . . .and then shit on your car. A penny saved is a government oversight. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends. The easiest way to find something lost [...]

Amazing simple home remedies: Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop. Avoid arguments with the females about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink. For high blood pressure sufferers ~ simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on [...]

This Is For Men Tired Of Receiving Male-Bashing Jokes How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it. Bigamy is having one wife too many. Some say monogamy is the same. Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a [...]

The madam opened the brothel door to see an elderly Jewish man. His clothes were all disheveled and he looked needy. “Can I help you?” the madam asked. “I want Natalie,” the old man replied. “Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies, perhaps someone else…” “No, I must see Natalie.” Just then Natalie [...]

If you can start the day without caffeine, If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains, If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles, If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it, If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to [...]

The trick to successful dating is learning how to interpret the hidden signs, those giveaway gestures that can tell you so much about a person. Train yourself to recognize – and decode – these KEY “SIGNS.” Figuring out these moronic little indicators can save you a lot of time and effort. Woman won’t unlock car [...]

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy young man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him. The young man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. Before she could [...]

It was the final exam for an English course at a university. Like most freshman courses, it was designed to weed out new students, having over 700 students in the class. The professor was very strict and told the class that any exam that was not on his desk in exactly two hours would not [...]

Many of you young persons out there are seriously thinking about going to college. (That is, of course, a lie. The only things you young persons think seriously about are beer, loud music and sex. Trust me: these are closely related to college.) College is basically a bunch of rooms where you sit for roughly [...]

According to a news report, a certain private school in Victoria, BC recently was faced with a unique problem. A number of year 12 girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the [...]

The wise old Mother Superior from county Tipperary was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink, but she refused it. Then one nun took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous [...]

Yin and ……… Yout Tonic Yenta Yang A Zen koan is …….. Jewish Buddhist All of the above None of the above None of the above Just before total God-realization I would see……. A blue pearl Nothing Everything How would I know? Lao-Tsu is……. Shrimp with fried rice The Atman Brothers A Japanese word for [...]

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me the hell alone. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire. It’s always darkest before dawn, so [...]

Sometime this year, we taxpayers will again receive an Economic Stimulus payment i.e HST rebate. This is a very exciting program from the Ontario government. I’ll explain it using the Q and A format: Q. What is Ontario ‘s Economic Stimulus payment? A.. It is money that the provincial government will send to taxpayers. Q.. [...]

Top Fifty Atheist T-Shirt and Bumper Sticker Aphorisms Abstinence Makes the Church Grow Fondlers Honk If Your Religious Beliefs Make You An Asshole Intelligent Design Makes My Monkey Cry Too Stupid to Understand Science? Try Religion. There’s A REASON Why Atheists Don’t Fly Planes Into Buildings “Worship Me or I Will Torture You Forever. Have [...]

There will be no [tag]Nativity Scene[/tag] in the United State [tag]Congress[/tag], this year! The [tag]Supreme Court[/tag] has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in the United States capital this [tag]Christmas[/tag] season. This isn’t for any religious reason, they simply have not been able to find three [tag]wise men[/tag] and a [tag]virgin[/tag] in the [...]

HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION Q: I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true? A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that’s it… Don’t waste them on exercise . Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that’s like saying you can [...]

Men are like…..Laxatives ….. They irritate the crap out of you. Men are like…..Bananas . The older they get, the less firm they are. Men are like…..Weather . Nothing can be done to change them. Men are like…..Blenders You need One, but you’re not quite sure why. Men are like…..Chocolate Bars ….. Sweet, smooth, & [...]

When choking on an ice cube, simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. Presto! The blockage will instantly remove itself. Avoid cutting yourself slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold while you chop. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink. To treat high blood [...]

Please don’t feel bad, lady. It wasn’t you entering the men’s washroom that caused that guy to pee on the guy next to him. Hell, we do that all the time. It’s rare for us guys to ever hit what were aiming for. Sometimes I go into the washroom, start to pee, and then just [...]

I believe that, in general, women are saner than men. For example: If you see people who have paid good money to stand in an outdoor stadium on a freezing December day wearing nothing on the upper halves of their bodies except paint, those people will be male. Without males, there would be no such [...]

Accept that some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the statue. Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them. Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it. Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot [...]