Doug's Divine Drollery

The madam opened the brothel door to see an elderly Jewish man. His clothes were all disheveled and he looked needy. “Can I help you?” the madam asked. “I want Natalie,” the old man replied. “Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies, perhaps someone else…” “No, I must see Natalie.”
Just then Natalie [...]

If you can start the day without caffeine,
If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,
If [...]

The trick to successful dating is learning how to interpret the hidden signs, those giveaway gestures that can tell you so much about a person. Train yourself to recognize – and decode – these KEY “SIGNS.” Figuring out these moronic little indicators can save you a lot of time and effort.

Woman won’t unlock car door [...]

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy young man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him.
The young man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. Before she could [...]

It was the final exam for an English course at a university. Like most freshman courses, it was designed to weed out new students, having over 700 students in the class. The professor was very strict and told the class that any exam that was not on his desk in exactly two hours would not [...]

Many of you young persons out there are seriously thinking about going to college. (That is, of course, a lie. The only things you young persons think seriously about are beer, loud music and sex. Trust me: these are closely related to college.)
College is basically a bunch of rooms where you sit for roughly two [...]

According to a news report, a certain private school in Victoria, BC recently was faced with a unique problem.
A number of year 12 girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the [...]

The wise old Mother Superior from county Tipperary was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink, but she refused it. Then one nun took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous [...]

Yin and ………

Yout
Tonic
Yenta
Yang

A Zen koan is ……..

Jewish Buddhist
All of the above
None of the above
None of the above

Just before total God-realization I would see…….

A blue pearl
Nothing
Everything
How would I know?

Lao-Tsu is…….

Shrimp with fried rice
The Atman Brothers
A Japanese word for sneeze
One of the above

Jivatman and Atman merge to become…….

Jivatmanatman
The Atman Brothers
Jivatman & Atman Inc.
Mr. & Mrs. Atman

The word [...]

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me the hell alone.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
It’s always darkest before dawn, so if [...]

Sometime this year, we taxpayers will again receive an Economic Stimulus payment i.e HST rebate. This is a very exciting program from the Ontario government. I’ll explain it using the Q and A format:
Q. What is Ontario ’s Economic Stimulus payment?
A.. It is money that the provincial government will send to [...]

Top Fifty Atheist T-Shirt and Bumper Sticker Aphorisms

Abstinence Makes the Church Grow Fondlers
Honk If Your Religious Beliefs Make You An Asshole
Intelligent Design Makes My Monkey Cry
Too Stupid to Understand Science? Try Religion.
There’s A REASON Why [...]

There will be no [tag]Nativity Scene[/tag] in the United State [tag]Congress[/tag], this year!
The [tag]Supreme Court[/tag] has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in the United States capital this [tag]Christmas[/tag] season.
This isn’t for any religious reason, they simply have not been able to find three [tag]wise men[/tag] and a [tag]virgin[/tag] in the Nation’s capital.
There [...]

HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION
Q: I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that’s it… Don’t waste them on exercise . Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that’s like saying you can extend the [...]

Men are like…..Laxatives ….. They irritate the crap out of you.
Men are like…..Bananas . The older they get, the less firm they are.
Men are like…..Weather . Nothing can be done to change them.
Men are like…..Blenders You need One, but you’re not quite sure why.
Men are like…..Chocolate Bars ….. Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right [...]

When choking on an ice cube, simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. Presto! The blockage will instantly remove itself.
Avoid cutting yourself slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold while you chop.
Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.
To treat high blood pressure: simply cut [...]

Please don’t feel bad, lady. It wasn’t you entering the men’s washroom that caused that guy to pee on the guy next to him. Hell, we do that all the time. It’s rare for us guys to ever hit what were aiming for. Sometimes I go into the washroom, start to pee, and then just [...]

I believe that, in general, women are saner than men. For example: If you see people who have paid good money to stand in an outdoor stadium on a freezing December day wearing nothing on the upper halves of their bodies except paint, those people will be male.
Without males, there would be no such sport [...]

Accept that some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the statue.
Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.
Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax [...]

GOD: Frank, you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there on the planet? What happened to the dandelions, violets, thistle and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand [...]

Don’t buy a putter until you’ve had a chance to throw it.
Never try to keep more than 30 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing.
When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls.
If you’re afraid a full shot might reach the green [...]

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.
The courage to change the things I cannot accept,and the
wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill today
because they pissed me off and also, help me to be careful
of the toes I step on today, as they may be connected [...]

An old man lived alone in Ireland. He wanted to dig his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, who would have helped him, was in prison for bank robbery. The old man wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his predicament.
Shortly, he received this reply, “For HEAVEN’S SAKE Dad, [...]

DON’T waste money on expensive ipods. Simply think of your favourite tune and hum it. If you want to “switch tracks”, simply think of another song you like and hum that instead.
CINEMA goers. Please have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by having a p*ss before the film starts.
RAPPERS. Avoid having to say ‘know what I’m [...]

A careful driver is being tailgated by a stressed-out driver on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turns yellow, just in front of him. He does the honest thing, and stops at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.
The tailgating driver hits the roof, and the [...]