When the black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his penis and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches.

Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked at him and said, ‘How about we try the African string-and- weight procedure?

‘The husband agreed and they tied a string and a weight to his penis.

A few days later, the wife asked the husband,’How is our little ‘tribal experiment’ coming along?’

‘Well, it looks like we’re about half way there,’ he replied.

‘Wow, you mean it’s grown to 12 inches?’

‘No, it’s turned black.’

Technorati Tags: joke.humour, humor, penis, african, comedy

A friendly trucker stops to see if he can be of some help and the Mexicans ask him for a lift. He tells them he has no room in the trailer as he is carrying 10,000 bowling balls.

The Mexicans ask the driver that if they can manage to fit in the back with their bike, will he take them to the next town and he agrees.

They manage to squeeze their motorcycle and themselves into the back of the trailer so the driver shuts the doors and gets back on his way. By this time he is really late and so puts his foot down.

Sure enough the California Highway Patrol pulls him over for speeding. The good officer asks the driver what he is carrying to which he replies jokingly–’Mexican eggs‘.

The patrolman obviously doesn’t believe this so he wants to take a look. He opens the b ack door of the trailer and quickly shuts it and locks it.He gets on his radio and calls for immediate backup from as many officersas possible..

The dispatcher asks what emergency he has that requires so many officers..’I've got a tractor trailer with 10,000 Mexican eggs in it. Only 2 have hatched so far, but they’ve already managed to steal a motorcycle.’

Technorati Tags: Mexicans, Pacific Coast Highwa, friendly trucke, motorcycle, California Highway Patrol, Mexican eggs, humour, humor, comedy, funny, joke

This is rather awkward to say but you will also have as part of your job assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20’s and has a rather strong sex drive.

A two-bedroom loft type apartment with plasma TV, stereo, bar, etc. located above the garage, will be designated for your sole use and the salary is $200,000 a year.’

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, ‘ You’re bullshittin’ me!

The social worker said, ‘ Yeah, well . . You started it.’

Technorati Tags: welfare, job, humour, humor, jokes, comedy, funny

The first flea says, ‘I rode down here from Detroit in the mustache of a guy on a Harley.’

The other flea responds saying, ‘That’s the worst way to travel. Try what I do. Go to the Metro airport bar. Have a few drinks. While you’re there, look for a nice stewardess. Crawl up her leg and nestle in where it’s warm and cozy. You’ll be in Miami in no time. It’s the best way to travel that I can think of.’

The first flea thanks the second flea and says he will give it a try next winter.

A year goes by when the first flea shows up in Miami . He is all blue and shivering and shaking again. Damn near frozen to death. The second flea says, ‘Didn’t you try what I told you?’

Yes,’ says the first flea, ‘I did exactly as you said. I went to the Metro airport bar. I had a few drinks. Finally, this nice young stewardess came in. I crawled right up to her warm cozy spot. It was so nice and warm that
I fell asleep immediately. When I woke up, I was back in the mustache of the guy on the Harley!’

Technorati Tags: jokes, humour, humor, funny, comedy, fleas

The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw an elderly woman put the distinctive pink envelope on the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.

‘Ma’am, I couldn’t help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate,’ he stated.

‘Why yes,’ she replied, ‘every week my son sends me money and I give some of it to the church’

The pastor replied, ‘That’s wonderful. But $1000 is a lot, are you sure you can afford this? How much does he send you?’

The elderly woman answered, ‘$10,000 a week.’

The pastor was amazed. ‘Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?’

‘He is a veterinarian,’ she answered.

‘That’s an honourable profession, but I had no idea they made that much money,’ the pastor said. “Where does he practice?’

The woman answered proudly, ‘In Nevada. He has two cat houses, one in Las Vegas, and one in Reno.’

Technorati Tags: weekly offering, veterinaria, cat houses, comedy, funny, humour, humor, jokes

Technorati Tags: WordPress 2.51

One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn’t know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message, and gave her the chicken legs.

Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn’t know how to say it, and so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again, and gave her some chicken breasts.

On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store…

What were you thinking? Hellooooooo, her husband speaks English! Now get back to your emails. I don’t know about you sometimes!

Technorati Tags: humour, humor, comedy, funny, jokes

Technorati Tags: Men are like, humour, humor, jokes, comedy, funny, one liners

As the doctor was drinking his white wine he said, “For her birthday, I’m going to buy my wife a fur coat and a diamond ring. This way, if she doesn’t like the fur coat she will still love me because she got a diamond ring.”

As the attorney was drinking his martini he said, “For my wife’s birthday, I’m going to buy her a designer dress and a gold bracelet. This way, if she doesn’t like the dress she will still love me because she got the gold bracelet.”

As the biker was drinking his shots of whiskey he said, “I’m going to buy my wife a T-shirt and a vibrator. This way, if she doesn’t like the T-shirt she can go fuck herself!”

Technorati Tags: humour, humor, jokes, comedy, funny, biker, attorney, doctor

After one year and $ 80,000.00, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.

After the study was published, the University of South Carolina decided to do their own study.

After $250,000.00, and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.

The University of Georgia, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After 2 weeks and a cost of around $75.46, they concluded that it was to keep a man’s hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.

Technorati Tags: humour, humor, jokes, comedy, funny, sex

Our lager,
Which art in barrels,
Hallowed be thy drink.
Thy will be drunk, (I will be drunk),
At home as it is in the tavern.
Give us this day our foamy head,
And forgive us our spillage,
As we forgive those who spill against us.
And lead us not to incarceration,
But deliver us from hangovers.
For thine is the beer, the bitter, and
the lager.

Barmen

Technorati Tags: The Beer Prayer, humour, humor, comedy, fun, jokes,

“And just where have you been until this hour?” demanded his wife, when the wayward husband finally arrived home.

“Down at the office,” he replied, “working like a dog.”

Technorati Tags: sex, humour, humor, comedy, fun, jokes, working like a dog

After having great sex, she spends the next hour just stroking his penis, something she had lovingly done on many occassions.

Rather enjoying it, he turns and asks her, ‘Why do you love doing that?’

She replies: ‘Because sometimes I really miss mine’.

Technorati Tags: humour, humor, jokes, funny, comedy, Thai, sex

Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you’re handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you are done you will have a place to live.

Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 60+ year old husband?
A: Tell him you’re pregnant.

Q: How can you avoid spotting a wrinkle every time you walk by a mirror?
A: The next time you’re in front of a mirror, take off your glasses.

Q: Why should 60+ year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don’t forget where they park your car.

Q: Is it common for 60+ year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem. Retrieving it is a problem.

Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.

Q: Where do 60+ year olds look for fashionable glasses?
A: Their foreheads.

Q: What is the most common remark made by 60+ year olds when they enter antique stores?
A: “I remember these!”

Technorati Tags: humour, humor, elderly, jokes, comedy

We all looked at each other and another customer asked,

“What is a seven-hundred-ten?”

She replied, “You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one.”

She replied that she did not know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there. The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to another car which had its hood up and asked

“is there a 710 on this car?”

She pointed and said, “Of course, it s right there.”

Technorati Tags: blonde, 710, humour, humor, jokes, funny, comedy

The trucker lowers the window, and she says ‘Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load.’

The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.

When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again.
She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door.

Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they’ve never spoken, the blonde says brightly, ‘Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!’

Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.

At the third red light, the same thing happens again.

All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker rolls down the window. Again she says ‘Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!’

When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light.

When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde.

He knocks on her window, and after she lowers it, he says…

‘Hi, my name is Kevin, it’s winter in Ontario and I’m driving the SALT TRUCK!

Technorati Tags: blonds, blondes, humour, humor, funny, comedy, jokes

Once upon a time there was a salesmen’s conference being held in New York , coincidentally on St. Patrick’s day so that the attendees could attend the celebrations there ‘for free’. There were three Italians attending who were not acquainted with the disgusting American-Irish practice of putting green colouring in their gnat’s piss “beer” on that day. One of the salesmen was from St.Peter’s Square (Rome), one from Naples and one from that place half underwater (Venice). They went into an Irish Pub.

The barman - an ex-porter who claimed to be (or not to be) a shakespearian actor “between engagements” - was thus asked by these 3 salesmen if he had any REAL irish beers (stouts). He said he had a choice of Guinness, Mackeson’s or Murphy’s stouts. The bible salesman from Rome asked him what was the difference, so the actor/barman explained : “They are all dark stouts but the Guinness is bitter and has a fine creamy head, albeit spoiled by the addition of green colouring today.” The mafiosi from Naples then asked “And the Mackeson?” Turning to the spaghetti salesman from Naples, he explained “The Mackeson’s is sweeter, a hint of caramel, with a larger head with larger bubbles in the foam, spoiled today by the green colouring too.” The third salesman asked “And the other one, is it spoiled by green colouring too?” Striking a Shakespearian pose, the porter/actor/barman turned to the Merchant of Venice and declaimed “The quality of Murphy’s is not stained…”

A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

‘Nurse’, he mumbles, from behind the mask. ‘Are my testicles black?’

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, ‘I don’t know, Sir, I’m only here to wash your upper body and feet.’

He struggles to ask again, ‘Nurse, please check. Are my testicles black?’

Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other. Then, she takes a close look and says, ‘There’s nothing wrong with them, Sir!’

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, ‘Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely……

A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k’?

Technorati Tags: Are my testicles black, Black testicles, humor, humour, jokes, comedy, funny

She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, “NO! I won’t sleep with you tonight!” Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, “I’m sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I’m a graduate student in psychology, and I’m studying how people respond to embarrassing situations.”

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, “What do you mean $200?!”

Technorati Tags: shy guy, bar, graduate student, psychology, funny, humour, humor, jokes, comedy

I was maybe 2 1/2 years old and had just recovered from an accident.

Someone had given me a little ‘tea set’ as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys.

Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of ‘tea’, which was just water.

After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.

My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was ‘just the cutest thing!’

My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up.

Then she says, ‘Did it ever occur to you that the only place that baby can reach to get water is the toilet?’

Technorati Tags: cup of tea, humor, humour, jokes, funny, comedy, children