And finally:

“What’s with that guy over there by the wall?” the pharmacist asks the checkout clerk.

“Oh. He came in this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn’t find the cough syrup, so I gave him a bottle of laxative to drink.

“What!” the pharmacist exclaims. “You can’t treat a cough with a bottle of laxative!”

“Of course you can! Look at him. He’s terrified to cough!”

1. A friend
2. A companion
3. A lover
4. A brother
5. A father
6. A master
7. A chef
8. An electrician
9. A carpenter
10. A plumber
11. A mechanic
12. A decorator
13. A stylist
14. A sexologist
15. A gynecologist
16. A psychologist
17. A pest exterminator
18. A psychiatrist
19. A healer
20. A good listener
21. An organizer
22. A good father
23. Very clean
24. Sympathetic
25. Athletic
26. Warm
27. Attentive
28. Gallant
29. Intelligent
30. Funny
31. Creative
32. Tender
33. Strong
34. Understanding
35. Tolerant
36. Prudent
37. Ambitious
38. Capable
39. Courageous
40. Determined
41. True
42. Dependable
43. Passionate
44. Compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
45. Give her compliments regularly
46. Love shopping
47. Be honest
48. Be very rich
49. Not stress her out
50. Not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
51.Give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. Give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. Give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

1. Leave him alone.

I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken. Pork and beef too. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal’s office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite ‘live’ animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal’s office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.

I don’t understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn’t like it when I am.

Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most. I told her, “Colonel Sanders.” Guess where I am now…

Finally a Scot was located who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab.

After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scot, as appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW, diamonds & US dollars.

A couple of days later, once again, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery. His doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate his blood again.

After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card & a jar of candies.

The Scot was shocked that the Arab this time did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated.

He phoned the Arab & asked him: “I thought you would be generous again,that you would give me a BMW, diamonds & money… but you only gave me a thank-you card & a jar of candies”.

To this the Arab replied: “Aye, but I now have Scottish blood in me veins”.

At a high school in Saskatchewan, a group of students played a prank….they let three goats loose inside the school. But before turning them loose, they painted numbers on the sides of the goats: 1, 2, and 4. School Administrators spent most of the day looking for No. 3.

A customer asked, “In what aisle could I find the Newfy sausage?”

The shop assistant asks, “Are you from Newfoundland?”

The guy, clearly offended, says, “Yes I am. But let me ask you something, if I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?
Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican? Or if I asked for Polish sausage, would you ask if I was Polish?”

The shop assistant says, “No, I probably wouldn’t.”

The guy says, “Well then, because I asked for Newfy sausage, why did you ask me if I’m from Newfoundland?”

The clerk replied, “Because you’re in Home Hardware.”

The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly he would get his free sex. The redneck guessed 8, and the proprietor said, “You were close. The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time.”

A week later, the same redneck, along with his brother, Bubba, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. The redneck guessed 2 this time.

The proprietor said, “Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time.”

As they were driving away, the redneck said to his brother, “I think that game is rigged, and he doesn’t really give away free sex.”

Bubba replied, “No it ain’t, Billy Ray. It ain’t rigged. My wife won twice last week.”

“A penis”, replied Madame Chretien.

A hush fell over the table. Everyone heard her answer yet no one knew what to say next.

Jean leaned over to his wife and said, “Aline, in hinglish dey pronounce dat word, appiness.”

An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, “Guido, I wan’ you lissina me. I wan’ you to take-a my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me.”

“But Grandpa, I really don’t like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?”

“You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. ”

“Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. “Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, “times up’?

“You comma to de front door of the apartmenta. I am inna apartmenta 301 There issa bigga panel at the front door. With you elbow , pusha button 301.

I will buzza you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with you elbow , pusha 3. When you get out, I’mma on the left. With you elbow, hit my doorbell.”

“Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow? ”

“What . . . .. .. you coming empty-handed?”

The Prime Minister was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $ 5.00 bill. The Prime Minister thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy in Newfoundland.

The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read:

Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Ottawa, and those assholes took $95.00 in taxes.

It was absolutely wonderful, it produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy. They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they’d never have to worry about their milk supply again. They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull, and he was never able to do the deed.

The people were very upset and decided to go to the Vet, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and ask his advice.”Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. If he attempts it from the one side, she walks away to the other side.”

The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking,

“Did you by chance, buy this cow in Scotland ?”

The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Scotland ..

“You are truly a wise Vet,” they said. “How did you know we got the cow from Scotland ?

The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye: “My wife is from Scotland “

You don’t have to own a cat to appreciate this. BUT !!

We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Year’s Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi.

The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house. As we walked out the door, the cat we had put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn’t want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird. My wife goes on out to the taxi, while I went back inside to get the cat..

The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn’t want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, “He’s just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother.”

A few minutes later, I get into the cab. “Sorry I took so long”, I said, as we drove away. “That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her arse with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard! She’d better not shit in the vegetable garden again!”

The silence in the cab was deafening.

The rabbi asks if they have any last questions before they leave.

The man asks, “Rabbi, we realize it’s tradition for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women at the reception.

But, we’d like your permission to dance together, like the rest of the world.”

“Absolutely not,” says the rabbi. “It’s immodest. Men and women always dance separately.”

“So after the ceremony I can’t even dance with my own wife?”

“No,” answered the rabbi. “It’s forbidden.”

“Well, okay,” says the man, “What about sex, can we finally have sex?”

“Of course!” replies the rabbi. “Sex is a mitzvah a good thing within marriage, to have children!”

“What about different positions?” asks the man

“No problem,” says the rabbi “It’s a mitzvah!”

“Woman on top?” the man asks.

“Sure,” says the rabbi. “Go for it! It’s a mitzvah!”

“Doggy style?”

“Sure! Another mitzvah!”

“On the kitchen table?”

“Yes, yes! A mitzvah!”

“Can we do it on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators, a leather harness, a bucket of honey and a porno video?”

“You may indeed. It’s all a mitzvah!”

“Can we do it standing up?”

“Absolutely Not!” says the rabbi.”

“Why not?” asks the man.

“Could lead to dancing!

1. Buy a pair of size 14-16 work boots.
2. Put them on the front porch with a copy of Guns & Ammo.
3. Put some giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazine.
4. Leave a note on the door: “Bubba: Me & Bertha went for more ammo and beer. Back soon. Don’t mess with the pit bulls; they messed the mailman up bad this morning. I don’t think Killer took part; hard to tell from all the blood. I locked all four of ‘em in the house. Better wait outside. Be right back

.

Cooter