Doug’s Divine Drollery

Listen up City Slickers!

1. Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an idiot.
2. Turn your cap straight, your head isn’t crooked.
3. Let’s get this straight; it’s called a ‘dirt road.’ I drive a pickup truck because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you’re going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.
4. They are cattle. They’re live steaks. That’s why they smell funny to you. But they smell like money to us. Get over it. Don’t like it? Hwy 1 goes east and west, Hwy 39 & 11 goes north and south. Pick one.
5. So you have a $60,000 car. We’re impressed. We have $365,000 combines and hay balers that are driven only 3 weeks a year.
6. So every person in rural Saskatchewan waves. It’s called ‘being friendly ‘ . Try to understand the concept.
7. If that cell phone rings while an 8-point buck and 3 does are coming in, we WILL shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don’t have it up to your ear at the time.
8. Yeah, we eat meat and potatoes. You really want sushi & caviar? It’s available at the corner bait shop
9. The ‘Opener’ refers to the first day of deer hunting season. It’s a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.
10. We open doors for women. That is applied to all women, regardless of age.
11. There’s little for ‘vegetarians’ on the menu. Order steak. Or you can order the Chef’s Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham & turkey.
12. When we set a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables and breads. We use three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup.
13. You bring ‘coke’ into my house, it better be brown, wet and served over ice.
14. You bring ‘Mary Jane’ into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.
15. SASKATCHEWAN Hockey League and Minor Hockey is as important here as the Calgary Flames and the Edmonton Oilers and more fun to watch
16. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don’t hit the water hazards — it spooks the fish.
17. Colleges? We have them all over. We have Universities and Community Colleges. They come outta there with an education plus a love for God and country, and they still wave at everybody when they come for the holidays.
18. Turn down that blasted car stereo! That thumpity-thump crap ain’t music, anyway. We don’t want to hear it anymore than we want to see your boxers. (Refer back to #1).
19. 2 inches of snow & ice isn’t a blizzard - it’s a vacation. Drive like you got some sense in it, and DON’T take all our bread, milk, and bleach from the grocery stores. This ain’t Alaska , worst case you may have to live a whole day without going to town for coffee with you friends. The pickups with snow blades and tractors with snow blowers will have you out the next day.

Technorati Tags: City Slickers, Saskatchewan, rules, humour, humor, jokes, funny, comedy

A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no Legs.

Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.

The first woman said ‘Have you ever had a hug?’ The man said ‘No,’ so she gave him a hug and walked on.

The second woman said, ‘Have you ever had a kiss?’ The man said, ‘No,’ so she gave him a kiss and walked on.

The third woman came over to him and said, ‘Have you ever been f#cked?’ The fellow’s eyes lit up and with a big grin he said, ‘No’

She said, ‘Well you will be when the tide comes in.’

Technorati Tags: joke, funny, humour, humor, comedy

Larry came home late one night and, Kitty, his wife says, ‘Where in the hell have you been?’

Larry replies, ‘I was out getting a tattoo.’

‘A tattoo?’ she frowned. ‘What kind of tattoo did you get?’

‘I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates,’ he said proudly.

‘What the hell were you thinking?’ she said, shaking her head in disgust. ‘Why on earth would a retired person get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?’

‘Well, one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand. And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want.’

Larry is now recovering in room 223 at the local hospital.

Technorati Tags: money, marriage, jokes, humor, humour, funny, comedy

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, ‘I would like to buy some cyanide.

“The pharmacist asked, “Why in the world do you need cyanide?”

The lady replied, “I need it to poison my husband.”

The pharmacist’s eyes got big and he exclaimed, “Lord have mercy! I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband. That’s against the law!

I’ll lose my license! They’ll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!”

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, “Well now, that’s different. You didn’t tell me you had a prescription.”

Technorati Tags: pharmacist, cyanide, humour, humor, jokes, comedy, funny

Three women: one engaged, one married and one a mistress are chatting about Their relationships and decided to amaze their men. That night all three Will wear black leather bras, stiletto heels and a mask over their eyes.

After a few days they meet up for lunch.

The engaged woman:
The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black Leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, ‘You are the Woman of My life. I love you.’ Then we made love all night long.

The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the Leather bodice, heels, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn’t say a word, but we had wild sex all night.

The married woman:
I sent the kids to my mother’s house for the night. When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said,

‘Hey Batman what’s for dinner?’

A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The female blonde mortician asks the deceased’s wife how She would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the blonde mortician a blank check and says, ‘I don’t care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.’

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.

She says to the mortician, ‘Whatever this cost, I’m very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I’m very grateful. How much did you spend?’ To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.

‘There’s no charge,’ she says.

‘No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!’ she says.

‘Honestly, ma’am,’ the blonde says, ‘it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband’s size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.’

‘So I just switched the heads.’

Technorati Tags: blonde, mortician, jokes, humour, humor, blond, comedy, funny

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, ‘Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.’ The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor’s office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained,

‘Well, doc, it’s like this–first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. ‘Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. ‘We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing it between her knees, but still nothing.’

The doctor was shocked! ‘You asked your neighbor?’

The old man replied, ‘Yep, none of us could get the jar open.’

Technorati Tags: physical exam, semen sample, humour, humor, jokes, funny, comedy

A couple was watching a Discovery Channel special about a West African ‘bush tribe’ whose men all had penises 24 inches long.

When the black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his penis and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches.

Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked at him and said, ‘How about we try the African string-and- weight procedure?

‘The husband agreed and they tied a string and a weight to his penis.

A few days later, the wife asked the husband,’How is our little ‘tribal experiment’ coming along?’

‘Well, it looks like we’re about half way there,’ he replied.

‘Wow, you mean it’s grown to 12 inches?’

‘No, it’s turned black.’

Technorati Tags: joke.humour, humor, penis, african, comedy

Two Mexicans are riding along the Pacific Coast Highway on a motorbike. They experience a break down and start to hitch a ride.

A friendly trucker stops to see if he can be of some help and the Mexicans ask him for a lift. He tells them he has no room in the trailer as he is carrying 10,000 bowling balls.

The Mexicans ask the driver that if they can manage to fit in the back with their bike, will he take them to the next town and he agrees.

They manage to squeeze their motorcycle and themselves into the back of the trailer so the driver shuts the doors and gets back on his way. By this time he is really late and so puts his foot down.

Sure enough the California Highway Patrol pulls him over for speeding. The good officer asks the driver what he is carrying to which he replies jokingly–’Mexican eggs‘.

The patrolman obviously doesn’t believe this so he wants to take a look. He opens the b ack door of the trailer and quickly shuts it and locks it.He gets on his radio and calls for immediate backup from as many officersas possible..

The dispatcher asks what emergency he has that requires so many officers..’I've got a tractor trailer with 10,000 Mexican eggs in it. Only 2 have hatched so far, but they’ve already managed to steal a motorcycle.’

Technorati Tags: Mexicans, Pacific Coast Highwa, friendly trucke, motorcycle, California Highway Patrol, Mexican eggs, humour, humor, comedy, funny, joke

A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check He marched straight up to the counter and said, ‘ Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I’d really rather have a job.’ The social worker behind the counter said, ‘ Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You’ll have to drive around in his 2008 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You’ll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips.

This is rather awkward to say but you will also have as part of your job assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20’s and has a rather strong sex drive.

A two-bedroom loft type apartment with plasma TV, stereo, bar, etc. located above the garage, will be designated for your sole use and the salary is $200,000 a year.’

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, ‘ You’re bullshittin’ me!

The social worker said, ‘ Yeah, well . . You started it.’

Technorati Tags: welfare, job, humour, humor, jokes, comedy, funny

Two fleas from Detroit had an agreement to meet every winter in Miami for a vacation. One flea gets to Miami and he’s all blue, shivering and shaking, damn near frozen to death! The other flea asks him, ‘What the hell happened
to you?’

The first flea says, ‘I rode down here from Detroit in the mustache of a guy on a Harley.’

The other flea responds saying, ‘That’s the worst way to travel. Try what I do. Go to the Metro airport bar. Have a few drinks. While you’re there, look for a nice stewardess. Crawl up her leg and nestle in where it’s warm and cozy. You’ll be in Miami in no time. It’s the best way to travel that I can think of.’

The first flea thanks the second flea and says he will give it a try next winter.

A year goes by when the first flea shows up in Miami . He is all blue and shivering and shaking again. Damn near frozen to death. The second flea says, ‘Didn’t you try what I told you?’

Yes,’ says the first flea, ‘I did exactly as you said. I went to the Metro airport bar. I had a few drinks. Finally, this nice young stewardess came in. I crawled right up to her warm cozy spot. It was so nice and warm that
I fell asleep immediately. When I woke up, I was back in the mustache of the guy on the Harley!’

Technorati Tags: jokes, humour, humor, funny, comedy, fleas

One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the Pastor of a small church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the next week.

The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw an elderly woman put the distinctive pink envelope on the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.

‘Ma’am, I couldn’t help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate,’ he stated.

‘Why yes,’ she replied, ‘every week my son sends me money and I give some of it to the church’

The pastor replied, ‘That’s wonderful. But $1000 is a lot, are you sure you can afford this? How much does he send you?’

The elderly woman answered, ‘$10,000 a week.’

The pastor was amazed. ‘Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?’

‘He is a veterinarian,’ she answered.

‘That’s an honourable profession, but I had no idea they made that much money,’ the pastor said. “Where does he practice?’

The woman answered proudly, ‘In Nevada. He has two cat houses, one in Las Vegas, and one in Reno.’

Technorati Tags: weekly offering, veterinaria, cat houses, comedy, funny, humour, humor, jokes

I’ve just upgraded to WordPress 2.51 please let me know if something isn’t working

Technorati Tags: WordPress 2.51

A Russian woman married a Canadian gentleman and they lived happily ever after in Toronto . However, the poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.

One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn’t know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message, and gave her the chicken legs.

Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn’t know how to say it, and so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again, and gave her some chicken breasts.

On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store…
Read more »

1. Men are like ..Laxatives ….. They irritate the crap out of you.
2. Men are like.Bananas . The older they get, the less firm they are.
3. Men are like Weather . Nothing can be done to change them.
4. Men are like ….Blenders You need One, but you’re not quite sure why.
5. Men are like ….Chocolate Bars …. Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
6. Men are like …Commercials ….. You can’t believe a word they say.
7. Men are like Department Stores …. Their clothes are always 1/2 off!
8. Men are like ……Government Bonds …. They take soooooooo long to mature.
9. Men are like …..Mascara . They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
10. Men are like Popcorn .. They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
11. Men are like Snowstorms …. You never know when they’re coming, how many inches you’ll get or how long it will last.
12. Men are like ……..Lava Lamps . Fun to look at, but not very bright
13. Men are like Parking Spots All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

Technorati Tags: Men are like, humour, humor, jokes, comedy, funny, one liners

Three men were drinking at a bar — a doctor, an attorney and a biker.

As the doctor was drinking his white wine he said, “For her birthday, I’m going to buy my wife a fur coat and a diamond ring. This way, if she doesn’t like the fur coat she will still love me because she got a diamond ring.”

As the attorney was drinking his martini he said, “For my wife’s birthday, I’m going to buy her a designer dress and a gold bracelet. This way, if she doesn’t like the dress she will still love me because she got the gold bracelet.”

As the biker was drinking his shots of whiskey he said, “I’m going to buy my wife a T-shirt and a vibrator. This way, if she doesn’t like the T-shirt she can go fuck herself!”

Technorati Tags: humour, humor, jokes, comedy, funny, biker, attorney, doctor

In 1993, the University of Kentucky did a study to see why the head of a man’s penis was larger than the shaft.

After one year and $ 80,000.00, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.

After the study was published, the University of South Carolina decided to do their own study.

After $250,000.00, and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.

The University of Georgia, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After 2 weeks and a cost of around $75.46, they concluded that it was to keep a man’s hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.

Technorati Tags: humour, humor, jokes, comedy, funny, sex

The Beer Prayer

Our lager,
Which art in barrels,
Hallowed be thy drink.
Thy will be drunk, (I will be drunk),
At home as it is in the tavern.
Give us this day our foamy head,
And forgive us our spillage,
As we forgive those who spill against us.
And lead us not to incarceration,
But deliver us from hangovers.
For thine is the beer, the bitter, and
the lager.

Barmen

Technorati Tags: The Beer Prayer, humour, humor, comedy, fun, jokes,

It had taken him several months, but the executive vice president had finally persuaded his new secretary to bend over the back of his leather couch and allow him to have sex with her that way.

“And just where have you been until this hour?” demanded his wife, when the wayward husband finally arrived home.

“Down at the office,” he replied, “working like a dog.”

Technorati Tags: sex, humour, humor, comedy, fun, jokes, working like a dog

A man’s in bed with his Thai girlfriend.

After having great sex, she spends the next hour just stroking his penis, something she had lovingly done on many occassions.

Rather enjoying it, he turns and asks her, ‘Why do you love doing that?’

She replies: ‘Because sometimes I really miss mine’.

Technorati Tags: humour, humor, jokes, funny, comedy, Thai, sex

Q: Where can women over the age of 60 find young, sexy men, who are interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore. Under fiction.

Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you’re handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you are done you will have a place to live.

Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 60+ year old husband?
A: Tell him you’re pregnant.

Q: How can you avoid spotting a wrinkle every time you walk by a mirror?
A: The next time you’re in front of a mirror, take off your glasses.

Q: Why should 60+ year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don’t forget where they park your car.

Q: Is it common for 60+ year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem. Retrieving it is a problem.

Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.

Q: Where do 60+ year olds look for fashionable glasses?
A: Their foreheads.

Q: What is the most common remark made by 60+ year olds when they enter antique stores?
A: “I remember these!”

Technorati Tags: humour, humor, elderly, jokes, comedy

A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten.

We all looked at each other and another customer asked,

“What is a seven-hundred-ten?”

She replied, “You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one.”

She replied that she did not know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there. The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to another car which had its hood up and asked

“is there a 710 on this car?”

She pointed and said, “Of course, it s right there.”

Read more »

Technorati Tags: blonde, 710

As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door.

The trucker lowers the window, and she says ‘Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load.’

The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.

When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again.
She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door.

Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they’ve never spoken, the blonde says brightly, ‘Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!’

Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.

At the third red light, the same thing happens again.

All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker rolls down the window. Again she says ‘Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!’

When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light.

When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde.

He knocks on her window, and after she lowers it, he says…

Read more »

From my good friend Stu

Once upon a time there was a salesmen’s conference being held in New York , coincidentally on St. Patrick’s day so that the attendees could attend the celebrations there ‘for free’. There were three Italians attending who were not acquainted with the disgusting American-Irish practice of putting green colouring in their gnat’s piss “beer” on that day. One of the salesmen was from St.Peter’s Square (Rome), one from Naples and one from that place half underwater (Venice). They went into an Irish Pub.

The barman - an ex-porter who claimed to be (or not to be) a shakespearian actor “between engagements” - was thus asked by these 3 salesmen if he had any REAL irish beers (stouts). He said he had a choice of Guinness, Mackeson’s or Murphy’s stouts. The bible salesman from Rome asked him what was the difference, so the actor/barman explained : “They are all dark stouts but the Guinness is bitter and has a fine creamy head, albeit spoiled by the addition of green colouring today.” The mafiosi from Naples then asked “And the Mackeson?” Turning to the spaghetti salesman from Naples, he explained “The Mackeson’s is sweeter, a hint of caramel, with a larger head with larger bubbles in the foam, spoiled today by the green colouring too.” The third salesman asked “And the other one, is it spoiled by green colouring too?” Striking a Shakespearian pose, the porter/actor/barman turned to the Merchant of Venice and declaimed “The quality of Murphy’s is not stained…”

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.

A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

‘Nurse’, he mumbles, from behind the mask. ‘Are my testicles black?’

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, ‘I don’t know, Sir, I’m only here to wash your upper body and feet.’

He struggles to ask again, ‘Nurse, please check. Are my testicles black?’

Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other. Then, she takes a close look and says, ‘There’s nothing wrong with them, Sir!’

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, ‘Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely……
Read more »

Technorati Tags: Are my testicles black